Hi. I come home early from the hospital today due to the corona infection. Everyone is taking precaution nowadays. Wearing masks, hand hygiene, and stuffs. Anyway the reason I’m writing is about the other thing. I woke up in the very early morning today, after having a dream, about me and my parents. I felt terrible for not treating my parents right. I felt I could do better. Why should I taking considerations from other people, my colleagues, my seniors, my friends, while all of them did not care about me. The only two person that really cares about me is my mum and my dad. They’re always there supporting me no matter what my choice life is. And all this time, I’m blaming them for overshadowing me for choosing my future. No. They’re just there so I know that they were available. I bring my own decisions. Maybe I’m afraid, or it was just fear, or a tingling sensation called feeling that brings to my decisions. Maybe it was not a thorough decision. It was just sentimental at the moment, not looking wide. But in every choice I made, there will be a lesson of life. But above all, my parents were there. And lots of times..lots of times.. I project my disappointment in life to my parents, while they were probably confused about my sudden change of behaviour. My parents, my mum especially, were like a horcrux for me ( if you never watch harry potter- it’s like a soul that separates into other objects so the person can not die). If me or any other people could mock myself, laugh at myself, talk downsizing about me- I just don’t care. It’s not that my soul is dead. It’s probably because I already gave more than half of my soul to my parents. Instead, when I shout or bad mouthing or answering with rather unapologetic tone to my parents, my heart riots. It suffered for my heartache that I gave to myself. I felt terrible.

And that’s one key that I learned from all this years. I’ve been attached to well, I know it’s not good in some ways, but I believe there will be time when I finally rose myself, but at the moment, I just want to enjoy giving back what my parents had done for me graciously since I was child, taking care of me, nurturing me, supporting me whenever I have bad grade, cheering me when I have good grade, driving me to school when I was a child, picking me up back from school, everything that she does..my mom, she gave up her dream job, to take care of her ungrateful children. I’m sorry that I could granted all your wish for me, like being in a profession like my dad, or marrying my first ex which she approved, and me not saying in it good terms. I know you’re a bit disappointed, but you always show the it’s okay smile.

If I had anything that I would mostly regret later..is the fact that I’m not being grateful to my parents. There’s this reason why I chose to NOT studying abroad at the moment..it’s because maybe I know once I flee to other countries, I would stay there, enjoying my freedom, and forgot my parents. I choose this route, living together with them in this late twenties, because inside my subconscious mind I want to make things right with them. It doesn’t matter about my career, my job, my circle of friends, it could rebuild again if it cracks. But once my parents are gone.. I could not rebuilt again things that I was dreaming today. Holding them and share a good laugh with them.

So for everyone..including myself, if you’re still have a parent, embrace them, because they’ve done SO much for us. So here in this chilly afternoon, while listening to lady gaga’s I’ll never love again – here I’m being sentimental. But this reflection is the thing that we missed in our daily life. And thanks to corona (somehow), I got a lot more free time to reflect.