Last time I wrote was pretty much during the summer, and time flies. Here I am, in the middle of sunday afternoon observing the beautiful rain. It was not pouring hard neither to shallow. Just the perfect rain. And where were we?
Of course, the world still in the midst of pandemic. But there’s a light. Vaccines was in the process and anytime soon we are in line for the shot. I mean, can you imagine we are the movie itself? It’s unbelievable that we manage to hold up until this very second, and truth is, it is better than any fiction ever been.
And how about myself? If, anyone is wondering. I am on my third year. Nothing much. The feeling was there. You know what it is, if you’ re following my blog from the very first. I read a lot of books now. Thanks to the amazing iPad and free ebook that I could snatch. And not only books, but the books that I’ve been searching for. The books where every line (well, almost every line) gives a point in my life that said ‘it’s true, i’ve been there’.
And what about age? What about age, the fact that it doesn’t really count as a cue for adultness, nor reminder of a life-is-a-competition where you see all your friends are growing with their loved ones and careers.
Yet here I am, physically the same, yet somehow I felt the bigger power in me, which still contains a lot of fear, but there’s this litte thing, called hope. Hope that I could still manage my career, hope that I could still earn an honest love and loving someone, hope that I could write for the rest of my life, hope that I could disembark my own worry.
I could ditch fiction. I know that it’s not controlling me anymore, but I watch fiction such as netflix or tv shows to give me the inspiration.
I was currently on a webinar about cataract surgery and I just don’t really interested in it. I don’t know, I like all the other parts of my field, including the surgery. But this particular surgery did not lift me up. Maybe it’s connected with my previous history that during my cataract practice and evaluation that I’m not good enough, and I keep blaming my visualisation during microsurgery, and I could blame myself that I probably did not practice hard enough, or maybe because I don’t find a good coach or teacher to teach me. It probably due to lots of factors. I do not want to lose hope, all my friends and family supports me, but somehow there is always this doubt that creeps me in about my future career.
I know that there are lots of other choices of subspecialties that I could took, maybe I’m just not into the cataract part, and that’s pretty much okay- but realising that most of your patients will be a cataract surgery, what can I do? I need to master it, at least I need to be able to do the surgery. I’m in my third year and I haven’t done my own cataract surgery yet from start to finish. It’s crippling me.
There are lots of choices of specialty that I could work of, such as non surgical field which requires lots of thinking ( and I am a huge thinker and observer), but here I am..doing this field. Not knowing what to do or expect. One of my senior told me that we can’t do everything, but I remember one of my best friend said we can do everything. There’s a lot of counterintuitive in my thought, that’s why I’m scared of myself. These doubts won’t keep me going. At the most part it hits me, make me panicked and told to my parents and we had a fight. I told my friends and they’re bored with my story, with why not quit then, but well – you can’t just quit, especially in my third year. I asked some of a good mindfulness guru I knew from youtube and he advise me to keep going.
But these doubts.. this little self-manipulating that hits me sometimes. I wonder, is it just me- or maybe is it true that I’m not that capable of handling this microsurgery things?
If you have some advice, please do comment. I will take your comments gracefully.
Hello..it’s been a while. I’ve been studying for the last couple days for a try-out exam. It was a prep exam for the later graduation exam on my medical residency. So, thankfully I got the number one spot for the score..it’s weird since I thought the questions was quite difficult and I think I could do better. The reason was because there were some materials that I had been studying but I forgot about it. So at that time I try to figure out my way of thinking and thought there must be some way to be more effective in studying. So here it goes :
Aware about how your mind-habit think
Let me clear about it. If you study about let’s say, X syndrome, what was the first thing that comes up in your mind? In the most definite way, that first word will most likely to be coming up on your brain while you catch the word during your exam. It doesn’t have to be scientific or related, it could be some silly keywords as well. Now since you get your mind-keyword, you could try to develop it from there. Making a new connection in your brain for some new knowledge is difficult, so keep it simple and silly. If X syndrome give you an imagination of Professor X in the movie X-Men so let be all the symptoms of the syndrome be pictured in you imagination of “Professor X”. You might start from there to create a “Mind-Keyword”. By putting a mind-keyword, you let your right brain to have fun as well while you’re studying.
2. Create a supporting environment to study
For me, I finally know that it works for me while listening to some background music. And remember, it have to be background music- not some music with lyrics or your favourite song. A Cafe music, Jazz, or Piano will do. It will help your distraction part of your brain get “distracted ” and let your “focus part” be focus. Let’s say in studying you need something that is comforting to balance your mind, and the music helps. But it might not work for some others, so find your supporting environment. For me, whether it’s better to do it in my room since I have no moving distraction rather than in Cafe, but sometimes being in Cafe is helping since you must done your task and feel “seen” by others so you must finish your work or study.
3. Be Active
This is very important. Be active in curiosity. Asks yourself about what you’re studying. Review with talking to yourself about what you just had to study. If you study with your friends, actively explaining to others to check whether you had remember and understand it. And this is the most important part :
How to make sure that I am going to remember this ?
Make sure to be able to answer the question after you study a material. Use your imagination with creating some acronyms, or word play, or some personal references. It helps you to unlock the key about the material that you had stored in your brain. Sometimes you’re going to forget your way of understanding the material, but a right-brain word play gems will do, the crazier it gets the better you will remember it.
4. Release the knowledge
Sometimes you spend too much time in storing the materials in your brain, but you did not have enough time to review and release your knowledge. By doing this part you will know which gap or hole in your memory that was not lost or not yet connected. If you find something that you did not forget, it usually means it’s not memorable enough for you, so back to the point number 3 and 1, make sure that you remember it by your own keyword.
I just finished watching a movie called The Prophet. It was a 2009 movie and won Cannes. It was very good, I haven’t watched a movie this good in a while..I honestly think that it spots on my number 1 favourite movie ever, beating Manchester by the Sea. Tahar Rahim was phenomenal. It had everything in the movie: from thriller, sad nuance, acting, background, music, Islam, French.
Anyway I just keep can’t survive my self from blocked during my interactions with parents, as if I’m trying to contradict everything that they want. I’m just self-pity myself, I got a lot from them, but how could I dissed them? This is not being grateful. I have to keep myself remind my keyword from last topic : Abundance.
It’s better I’m being quiet and locked myself in my room, confined to a room and wondering when I will released from this intimate prison that I create myself, which is my home since the very beginning. It’s like I never move from here. See? I’m dong it again. Abundance.
But I personally think that I’m still on the verge of letting myself go from my parents. It’s like I did not have a freedom. But to think more, I use the keyword Entitled and it clicked. I feel entitled. I did not deserve all of this luxury in my home considering the treatment I gave to the owner of the house. I should be easier with things.
That brings me to my newly number 1 spot movie of all time : The Prophet. Let me think again one time I’m manipulating myself with the question I don’t have the freedom. Be in a real prison like in the movie. You might want to think again. I have a lot to be grateful. Sometimes you just forgot, just like the character Malik in the movie, he was given immunity by his boss but then he got greedy and later in the movie he became conflicted with the other gangs. The part that brings difficulties : Forgot. Forget to be grateful. Forget to act well. Forget that we are all tested in here. It’s just temporary.
But back to the reason why I put this movie to be my number one. It is most definite representing my life: the oppressed for being in prison with my mind. The dream of being free. I also like the excitement of when Malik first went for a plane ride. Or when he enjoys the sound of outer world when he first came out from jail. Or when he felt guilty for killing the guy at the first time and it all coming back to him, in an unthoughtful way. Or when he follows his dream and noticed a signal from God, like a danger sign, that eventually became the title of this movie.
It is filled with the struggle that a man needs to understand life.
Now I would like to address that everyday we undeniably battle with ourselves. But what if we could made peace with it ? Here’s how, we need some remembrance for ourselves that things could be better or worse only by changing our mindset. Sometimes we need a long way to catch the nail that hidden under our mind, but here’s some way to ease our mind- remember some keywords. If you’re messing yourself with your mind, remember those keywords in order to gain momentum about how you want to overpower yourself. This is my keyword so far that worked for me :
This is by far, the most psychological-high class-yet easy way to be down to earth. Yeah, most of our problems are ego, and the ego comes from the thought that we feel entitled. We feel that our need and want must be accommodated by other people, resulting in a chaotic mind especially when our expectations did not meet our reality.
Being grateful is one of the most important thing in the world. Sometimes the word being grateful or blessed is not quite helpful for reminding ourself since it was overused in the daily conversation, but the word abundance is so personal and a good-positive-catchy word to remind us that we already had so much today, and if we’re focusing about all those thing, we might distracted from focusing all other problems that bugging our mind.
3. Get yourself together
In korean words, jeongshin charyeo. Come to your senses. It is very helpful when your mind is cloudy, with lust,emotions, crazy thought, daydreaming. Tell it to yourself like a snap, with a huge excalamation point to realize what you should focusing instead thinking crazy in you little corner of mind.
4. Thou Shall Pass
Just remember, everything wil pass. Your feeling will change and it will not be constant.
I hope it’s useful. What is your own keyword? Share your thought in comments.
Hello! Here with me again, with all the shortcomings in life that I faced, albeit all of other things, somehow I could relate why the name Shortchamp was perfect, because shortcomings are sometimes could be difficult to manage if we don’t keep our head straight, but with some little tricks and tips here’s how to overcome daily struggle and become the Shortchamp!
Act like Fleabag
If you haven’t heard or watch Fleabag, I recommended you to watch it. It’s very entertaining yet giving a subtle example how to deal with self-insecurity that we have. Somehow our life are related with Fleabag struggle, drown in the midst of other people’s perfection, and yet we’re still manage our way. That what happened with last night’s my family dinner. It was for my mom’s birthday dinner. And people were seemed like having lots of fun – except me. I want to finish it as soon as possible. The restaurant was so good, it was Arabian restaurant so it had different vibe than we usually had, and the manager was really helpful. On my way home I’m thinking, the feeling I had probably the same with what I had 10 years ago. There was this feeling that I am not involved into the conversations. Maybe as an Introvert, I don’t like small talks. And in family dinner, people glorified small talks. They talked about the changing traffic lamp as if it was the next great amendment. Probably the reason is the fact we met member of the family way too often so the conversations got boring. But still the point is, that I remember exactly one scene from Fleabag when she was struggling (meanwhile us-the audience- laughing) facing the dinner, but somehow she managed to do it well. She kept smiling during the whole thing, and answering people’s uncomfortable questions like a charm, although we viewers knew it about how miserable her feeling was. And what I’m lacked of is positioning myself during with some other people with my slogan I’d rather not talk unless you’re asking attitude- and it’s not going anywhere, doesn’t it? At some moments I used the fleabag character- like to face things in my daily situations, which represents as the quite, smiling when needed, not being too loud, edgy, attentive, made nice funny comments, losing your mind at incredible times, calm (with knowing that you’re panic inside), but most of all..gracefully imperfect. And it’s not like you’re not being the other character, you’re still yourself, but you diminish those mind-fucking demons that kept you from being who you really best-self are.
2. Stop being over-sensitive and over-thinking
If you want to make things right, then this is probably the sole reason why your other parts of the brain didn’t work. It was being over-sensitive to things and over-thinking as well.
We all know that over or too much in anything is not good, and that includes our mind as well. Mental health was the sole most important thing right now, it gives you a lot of hell if you’re not managing it in the right way, the same thing when you’re not controlling your blood sugar you will eventually become diabetes, it also works if you’re not taking care of your mind- it become toxic as well!
3. Your life’s a situational comedy
One of my favourite sitcom that was US based is Young and Hungry. And it usually had the best time when the rerun aired on TV, which was 6 pm on weekday so it was the right time for winding and eating dinner while watching Gabi and friends. The people were so hilarious, the comedy was smart, it was almost like the next generation’s of Friends. So, sometimes there were a HUGE problem occured during the storym but somehow people were making it so effortlessly funny- and it was the contrary in my life, where every little things become a chaotic drama. And I asked myself lots of times, life’s are way too serious already, why not let having fun a little? I mean, problems will arise, you know it yourself, one go and one comes ahead. If outside problems were not appeared, most of the time we ourself hack our little mind to create the modern world problems : anxiety, fear, jealousy, hatred. Why not enjoy the life that God had already created for us ( which had each own different story) and enjoy the show? Act like Gabi, silly, charismatic, funny, and take everything EASY. It eventually become one. I really like the part when she made mistakes and her way of apologising to Josh(her boss/boyfriend) is create a cat’s roaring sound, which actually works for her (not for me to my boss I guess!). What is the best way to turn a dramatic event in our life, stressing too much or making it as a life-situational comedy? The best laugh always come from the darkest event. Life’s hard already- take it simple, laugh with it, no matter how difficult your problems/worry/fear looks like to solve, the best answer is to get through it. And why not get through it while having some fun.
4. Don’t want for human acknowledgment
Everyone’s want to be acknowledged. Everyone’s is thinking most about themself- most of all. Well some of them do care about others- but most of the time they do think about what are their routines/struggles/problems. And if you’re not gaining enough attention from your community, what are you doing? You reach for one. Trust me. Even the best people had everything to do with being acknowledged with others. We live in social world. It is imperative.
When some people had talents and their working it well, they reach the attention they deserve- and people called them a success- and that’s a winning. Am I right?
But what happened when people did not have the right talent, or wasted in wrong field/workplace/subject? They reach for attention by showing their incapability, asking for help, told what they felt to other people. It become toxic they become infamous- they do all the wrong things to attract attention. But no one wants to keep something by themselves. At times people create distraction (other things that unrelated from their primary job), and it gains attention, so they move to those other field where they reach audience for their talent. At some times in some conditions they feel they can’t move, they need the money, or they need the status, so they keep working/studying/doing things but they sharing the feeling to other closest people. Or they got drunk, wasted, trying to forget their problems, felt better, and continuing doing those things the next day. It happened to most of us: we don’t know what we want. We are obliged to know what we want, and some people took days, some took years, some took a lifetime to know what they want.
But here’s the thing that is tricky : HUMANS are craving for something what they want, but once they got one, they ungrateful bastards did not use the blessings in the rightful way in what they had achieved, and WANTED OTHER THINGS INSTEAD.
All the things that move a human is the wanting factor. A person wants coffee, wants a good job, wants to be abroad, wants to be popular, wants to be acknowledged, it never really finish. They forgot the essential part : blessing for what they already have from what they want.
So, here’s the tips in your little life: don’t crave for acknowledgement. It is hurtful. People keep dissapointing you in so many ways.
Do things just because you like doing it. Or at least you’re able to do it. Concentrate on something keeps you calm (truth), and let your mind focus and not wander for other things that corrupt in your mind.
Just through your life.
I’m not saying enjoy your life- you may be pissed off when some strangers ask you to enjoy your life, but through your life. With anything that you already owned, be grateful. Cherish it. For what you don’t have but you want? Ask yourself, did you really want it or it’s just a simple craving that goes unwary in your mind. If it’s something that you really really really really really really really really really want ( YES I said those milion of times because the effort will be so much painful than your simple ” I WANT” piece of mind), then you need to focus in it. Make it as a priority in your life. Eliminate others.
5. You are allowed to share
Your mind is a mood swing. Sometimes you need to cry for all the things you opressed in yourself. Cry. in front of your closest person. Make at least a person note your struggle, so you’re feeling less alone. You are allowed to share. And if..if..you don’t have the closest person or you don’t trust others..then trust God. Share your story to God. Pray and tell all your stories- ALL your stories. Here’s connected to previous points that don’t crave for human acknowledgment, but God’s.
Once you cried, you will feel a LOT better, then your mood swings change in to “calm state” again- remember, life’s upside down, and we all here in this world is for..yeah you get this one right, TESTED. You’re not in this life to become the best writer ever, or greatest doctor ever, or being the most aspiring actor ever. No. You’re being tested. And I hope this writing give you some confidence in facing -yes, yourself– to prevent being mentally disturbed.