Hey Dad

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Hey Dad,

Today was quite a special day. I resigned from my office today. It was a mixed feeling. They gave me cake. It was a long and tedious journey to decide whether I should take another offer since a year ago and I was hesitant at first and until this very moment I am still, a little insecure whether I made the right decision. I remember your advice a year ago. You prefer this future office than my current office. I knew it was right sincenyou gave the reason, my current office is a small world, I am going to be bored and there will be uncomfortable frictions with my coworker once it happened, because we met in the small room every single day. But it gave a lot of money. And that’s pretty much that the reason we’re working, right? I could be right and wrong perhaps. This future office, didn’t offer a lot of money. Very little to be honest. No monthly salary and just service fee. And sometimes I wonder I am such an idiot to made this decision. But it is academic office and I think it suits me better. It also has the chance to improve my writing. And dad, you gave me a small bit of confidence to step into the unknown, now that you’re gone. I missed your talking, your advice, and how you shaped me now. You gave me a meaning for instinct reasoning rather than a logic decision. It is your office, although we had different specialty zone, but I kinda followed your path. So I think thats the big reason that overshadow the fact that it has zero monthly salary. Beside, I also work in other office in afternoon and one other passive income for my primary needs. I hope it works well. I don’t know. Sometimes I just wish I could talk with you, ask your advice, just one more time and for that I will gave my all. I hope you found peace in your waiting Dad. You always in my prayer.

Your always gonna be youngest son.

I gave it a year

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Hello. It never ceased to amaze me that it’s been exactly a year after my last blog post, and there is this tingly spider feeling on my mind that I should rewrite again. However, a lot had happened on my life within a year, I should made a single post for those, but for now, I just want to update that habit I want to try last year? Well, not exactly happening. However, I gained a lot of new insights during handling my struggle this past year. And other good things had happened as well. For instance, this is me writing on my new iPad. I just so happened read an amazing article with the notion of to handle anxiety, which I and lots of other people suffered as well lately, is to create. Yes, create. And I think the easiest way to create is to write. A thought. A breakthrough. A feeling nuance that could be broken into words and understanding ourselves better, and a little possibility to give insights for some others too. So here I am, still and always, give it another year. Cheers.

I give it a year

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Have you ever had all these ideas of new routine in your head to be constantly done in reality instead wandering in your mind? But there are like, so many, and you have to choose a few so that you could manage it well, to create it as a habit. And you have to be very specific. I would really like to run, read, study, and write. But that would not happen as a habit if I don’t give a specific time of year. So, for me, i would choose for running every morning in the weekend, one book each week, a study session one hour each day in a weekday at my office after lunch hour in my office desk. IS that too.. ambitious? Sometimes I’m just tired with my ambitious-self, but I think it’s the lazy-part of myself that did not allow this useful habit. Well, to make it less ambitious, I give it a year. Let’s see what happened, let’s see what’s workin’ out and what’s not. So, is there any thoughts of new habits that you want to do, but did not quite there yet? Just say, I give it a year. No worries.

Hello from the chilly morning

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Hi. it’s me, again.

It’s been a while.

So the reason why I’m starting to write again, is well, because I had a long sleepless night started with a mild vertigo after my traffic-stuck driving with a coffee in the late afternoon , a parade of watching amelia’s chicken shop date- which led me to recognize more footballers than I ever been in my whole life, woke up at 1 am then can’t continue sleeping till like 4am. I woke up with a very cloudy day and that brings the London vibe, so I decided to run, instead of just curling on my bed although it’s a weekend. So why run? I was remembering my last trip to London way before the covid, and I was remembering one day I ran through the park near my hotel and into like a hill – I forget the name of the hill, with my friend from New Zealand that I met in the hostel. We had so much fun- we were healthy and being productive in early days. And with that in mind, I- who were petrified about my next steps in life- was kept thinking, like a loud static headbang during my days, if I were misfortune to live in this neighborhood due to any specific reasons – one of the biggest issue is my medical work license, which led me to work only in my country – and the other specific reasons- the virus, duh- and can’t go to London for any time being, why don’t I make the London- ish myself in here? I was wandering alone in one of shopping centre before I had the long-way driving, and I was like panicking myself because I was alone- and I felt like weird because what happened if I met someone I know and ask me with whom I went and they know I was alone, they would be feeling pity with me, but nothing happened- just like any other million problems that I created in my head, nothing actually happened. So I was had this epiphany, it’s all the same while in London or in the city myself I am currently in, if you don’t enjoy yourself, you won’t enjoy the city as well. So, let’s just say I want to take the effort for applying fellowship in London, or a PhD but my main motive is basically just so I could live in London or any other interesting cities I had in mind, but that’s nonsense if turns out when I arrive at the city then you feel empty and lonely, and other people were busy – or act busy- with anything else, and that led me for being a sad stranger in a big city, although now I still also feel like a sad stranger in a big city as well. So, here I am now, wondering, If I were in London in a saturday morning, what would I do? I would run in the middle of cloudy weather with my black adidas trainers hat I just bought, I would write with an ice coffee in my hand, I would like, yeah, doing things that I like, just so I enjoy myself. And when I’m enjoying myself, people will accustomed to me being enjoying myself as well. I was like holding a lot past few years, you know, I will post about that in other post, but for now, I want to enjoy myself, because the only one that know it best about it- is me.

Diary of an eye resident doctor

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Today, my patient is a little girl. One of her eye had already shrunken, we called it pthisis of eye. It had been damaged due to her history of prematurity, resulting a condition of severe stage of retinopathy of prematurity. Now she only left with her left eye but sadly due to its compensation, she couldn’t see with 6/6 vision on her left eye. So the best thing for her is saving her last eye as best way as possible, and accurate refraction and glasses will help her. The ironic thing is that she had a younger baby brother, with the same resulting condition, with severe retinopathy of prematurity. It’s so sad. As far as I concerned, it is not genetic. But the father of these two kids were so brave and wholeheartedly bring these kids, and when we asked them to do an examination (eye examination for kids could take a long time), he encourage the kids with “c’mon let’s go!” with pleasurable vibe. He cheers them up. I’m just so amazed by how the father could pull up this heartwarming attitude despite the situation of both the kids.

My last patient today was another kids ( I am on my rotation of eye pediatric, that’s why my patients were all children ), it’s a six months old baby with both eye having the suspicious cancer, which is retinoblastoma. It’s a devastating news for the parents. They had been aware for the last three months that the baby had “cat-eye” apperance but they did not take it as an alarm. Cat eye appearance or leukokoria is a high chance of suspicion of eye cancer. I urgently referred this patient to the oncology unit for further work up. I hate to be the one breaking the bad news, but that’s one of the suckiest thing to be a doctor. You had to tell the truth.

I just hope all of the family of these children had the strength they need to have. Having eye disease is a problem, but having your kids’ eye a disease, is a way bigger problem. It takes a whole lifetime to the kids to adapt for their vision and increase the quality of life. I just hope they could see the world as bright as it ever be.

Dare

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Just like an aspiring singer that know that he has a good voice but lack of a big platform to tell, this is what happen to me, an aspiring writer. I convinced my self to write a book, probably since I was college, but here I am, thirteen years later, still not writing a damn single book. What’s up with contemplation, procrastination, excuse myself with “I’m busy” with work and family, but sadly I’m trapped in this bubble of mind. Eventually, I keep doing enjoying myself jumping from series to another, I could tell you in every month there will be a new series or movie that captivates me and give me this zinc to live, but I never, never made an art written project well written at least for the last ten years.

Then I decided to make a blog, like everyone else does, with the hope that, if I’m not going to write anyway in my WHOLE life, at least I have a legacy to write in- right? some kind of auto-opinion-biography that was collected. Maybe somehow I would tell my closest people to open my blog that I was discreetly writing in for the last year, and finally they-the closest- find another layer from me- closet open, no secret, spill the tea.

Or maybe I’m just going to write the suckiest thing ever written in history, and let’s see how it goes. Maybe it’s not really sucks, maybe it is, who knows? These had been unpredictable years to live as human being in crack up society.

So..

Ready to write ?

A New Leap

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Now that December had gone away, what left is this misty January with lots of plans ahead, and my head have gone mad today just for thinking all those plans and worries. Typical me. Turns out the bell rings for new year didn’t set up my brain as well.

Just take a deep breath and now that you are alive in this new year despite the hazardous year we had, we should be grateful for it.

If there is one thing we could learn from last year, enjoy the moments and don’t stress too much for the future because guess what, you might as well not know what is happening as well. But still, change your habit, since it’s the only thing that could give you a better hope for the future.

Now that I’m still studying my residency, I’m going to enjoy my moment of studying, I’m going to make reading my medical books as a habit, something that I would read before sleep on my ipad, browsing what gets me interested. Just like browsing for your next show to watch on netflix.

I might not be that good at studying, but somehow I learn myself how to learn. I like it when I could explain or give a knowledge for my peers, I feel like I’m proud and that’s my pride. I know it’s not a good motive, but what’s wrong with being a teacher to your friends? And during the stud process in order to memorize things, I think I should check in my memory first what’s in order for me. Now that I know how much I know about things, then I associate it with these new knowledges from my reading. Hope it works, fingercross.

Here’s to a new year. A new leap. A new habit. A new hope.

Look up

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What’s my favourite christmas movie this year ?

I’ve got to say, Last Christmas starring Emilia Clarke.

It’s not a perfect or critics-acclaimed movie, but the movie actually talks about immigrants, self-caring, mental health, depression, back-from-self mess,homeless, shelters, artist- aspire, death, and not to mention a whole lot of christmas feeling.

I really like the word mentioned by Emilia during her stage performance, we’re so lucky to be alive. It really hits hard for this year’s eve with all the pandemic still going strong today.

And then Emilia said about this wonderful epiphany: We’re happy if we help others whether it is little or big. So there it is. You don’t have to feel self-loathe when you’re not this big person such a prime minister, or celebs on social media, or having the fanciest position in your job field, you basically doing your best job you could do to serve others and that’s pretty much satisfying.

And then the already-death/only-in-her-memories boyfriend always says, “look up” because he enjoys much for looking his surrounding instead checking up his phone. Talks about social dilemma that everyone already encountered. For me, the best way is turning off social chat or media notifications during holiday. So I checked the times I want to check it, instead always notified at the most irrelevant times. But the notion of “look up” works as a charm, I’m heading to my backyard and see this beautiful moon with clear midnight sky and I feel this contentment, that you might search anywhere around the corner of the world or other people that you met, that actually it is there on your own backyard (in my case my parents backyard, poor me), the contentment is actually in yourself.

So, merry chirstmas everyone, and my advise is don’t pick the middle part of the cake or the fish or any food, but this time try to pick the peripheral one, the one with the crust that nobody likes, so others could enjoy the middle part of those cake. Try to be happy with have a portion of slight bit discomfortness so people get a glimpse of a better one. We’ll be happy if our surrounding is happy. It is contagious ( and a little bit sensitive word during this pandemic..)

Till next damn season!

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

Greetings at Eve’s

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Now that everything is unveiled

That everyone is at the most best itself in the end of year, i hope

Now that everything is white

And all the madness was forgiven

And hope appears on the surface

All the movies are out there

All the stories spread widely

You just have to choose

For your own sake of remedy

I wish you a merry holiday. Cheers ! May healthy be with all of us.

Christmas Eve 2020, Pandemic still going on.

Short Holiday

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Just had like a short holiday. I know, it’s against everything that we’re fighting for, and UK started to giving restrictions at Tier 4.

So what do I feel after the short holiday.

You know that excitement to go somewhere that actually vanished for this year? And that weariness that you felt during your trip going home ?

Well yeah it kinda felt like that. Not so much for excitement(I’ve been there before), but total fatigue after hours of trip. Sometimes I do miss for planes and going for other countries I haven’t visited yet. Hopefully next year.

But anyway, I am quite okay with spending times with my family, doing some little hiking, and enjoying the fog and rain on the mountain (my favourite). I just did not realised I am getting this old (on my thirty now crying) and did not have the same stamina as I was used to, but actually I know my body more, I know what time I should eat, medication I should take, time I should go to sleep, so it is practically more into not giving up your daily habits during your short holiday. And wear mask.

But what the holiday gives me is it gives me back those long gold rope that keeps me sane in my insanity way, that whispering sessions of you’re doing good and you deserves it, so just enjoy. I watched my niece playing running without purpose, just running and I was like, time had passed way too much.. it’s been such a long time I haven’t been a child that doing things just because.. you like it.

I don’t know, those wide field of grasses giving them the freedom to run..since like this early year we barely run, or go anywhere, so that’s like a revenge for them. And I was just, happy by only seeing it. And I felt like an old person already(d’oh).

Happy Holiday..and take care!