Hello from the chilly morning

Hi. it’s me, again.

It’s been a while.

So the reason why I’m starting to write again, is well, because I had a long sleepless night started with a mild vertigo after my traffic-stuck driving with a coffee in the late afternoon , a parade of watching amelia’s chicken shop date- which led me to recognize more footballers than I ever been in my whole life, woke up at 1 am then can’t continue sleeping till like 4am. I woke up with a very cloudy day and that brings the London vibe, so I decided to run, instead of just curling on my bed although it’s a weekend. So why run? I was remembering my last trip to London way before the covid, and I was remembering one day I ran through the park near my hotel and into like a hill – I forget the name of the hill, with my friend from New Zealand that I met in the hostel. We had so much fun- we were healthy and being productive in early days. And with that in mind, I- who were petrified about my next steps in life- was kept thinking, like a loud static headbang during my days, if I were misfortune to live in this neighborhood due to any specific reasons – one of the biggest issue is my medical work license, which led me to work only in my country – and the other specific reasons- the virus, duh- and can’t go to London for any time being, why don’t I make the London- ish myself in here? I was wandering alone in one of shopping centre before I had the long-way driving, and I was like panicking myself because I was alone- and I felt like weird because what happened if I met someone I know and ask me with whom I went and they know I was alone, they would be feeling pity with me, but nothing happened- just like any other million problems that I created in my head, nothing actually happened. So I was had this epiphany, it’s all the same while in London or in the city myself I am currently in, if you don’t enjoy yourself, you won’t enjoy the city as well. So, let’s just say I want to take the effort for applying fellowship in London, or a PhD but my main motive is basically just so I could live in London or any other interesting cities I had in mind, but that’s nonsense if turns out when I arrive at the city then you feel empty and lonely, and other people were busy – or act busy- with anything else, and that led me for being a sad stranger in a big city, although now I still also feel like a sad stranger in a big city as well. So, here I am now, wondering, If I were in London in a saturday morning, what would I do? I would run in the middle of cloudy weather with my black adidas trainers hat I just bought, I would write with an ice coffee in my hand, I would like, yeah, doing things that I like, just so I enjoy myself. And when I’m enjoying myself, people will accustomed to me being enjoying myself as well. I was like holding a lot past few years, you know, I will post about that in other post, but for now, I want to enjoy myself, because the only one that know it best about it- is me.

A New Leap

Now that December had gone away, what left is this misty January with lots of plans ahead, and my head have gone mad today just for thinking all those plans and worries. Typical me. Turns out the bell rings for new year didn’t set up my brain as well.

Just take a deep breath and now that you are alive in this new year despite the hazardous year we had, we should be grateful for it.

If there is one thing we could learn from last year, enjoy the moments and don’t stress too much for the future because guess what, you might as well not know what is happening as well. But still, change your habit, since it’s the only thing that could give you a better hope for the future.

Now that I’m still studying my residency, I’m going to enjoy my moment of studying, I’m going to make reading my medical books as a habit, something that I would read before sleep on my ipad, browsing what gets me interested. Just like browsing for your next show to watch on netflix.

I might not be that good at studying, but somehow I learn myself how to learn. I like it when I could explain or give a knowledge for my peers, I feel like I’m proud and that’s my pride. I know it’s not a good motive, but what’s wrong with being a teacher to your friends? And during the stud process in order to memorize things, I think I should check in my memory first what’s in order for me. Now that I know how much I know about things, then I associate it with these new knowledges from my reading. Hope it works, fingercross.

Here’s to a new year. A new leap. A new habit. A new hope.

Look up

What’s my favourite christmas movie this year ?

I’ve got to say, Last Christmas starring Emilia Clarke.

It’s not a perfect or critics-acclaimed movie, but the movie actually talks about immigrants, self-caring, mental health, depression, back-from-self mess,homeless, shelters, artist- aspire, death, and not to mention a whole lot of christmas feeling.

I really like the word mentioned by Emilia during her stage performance, we’re so lucky to be alive. It really hits hard for this year’s eve with all the pandemic still going strong today.

And then Emilia said about this wonderful epiphany: We’re happy if we help others whether it is little or big. So there it is. You don’t have to feel self-loathe when you’re not this big person such a prime minister, or celebs on social media, or having the fanciest position in your job field, you basically doing your best job you could do to serve others and that’s pretty much satisfying.

And then the already-death/only-in-her-memories boyfriend always says, “look up” because he enjoys much for looking his surrounding instead checking up his phone. Talks about social dilemma that everyone already encountered. For me, the best way is turning off social chat or media notifications during holiday. So I checked the times I want to check it, instead always notified at the most irrelevant times. But the notion of “look up” works as a charm, I’m heading to my backyard and see this beautiful moon with clear midnight sky and I feel this contentment, that you might search anywhere around the corner of the world or other people that you met, that actually it is there on your own backyard (in my case my parents backyard, poor me), the contentment is actually in yourself.

So, merry chirstmas everyone, and my advise is don’t pick the middle part of the cake or the fish or any food, but this time try to pick the peripheral one, the one with the crust that nobody likes, so others could enjoy the middle part of those cake. Try to be happy with have a portion of slight bit discomfortness so people get a glimpse of a better one. We’ll be happy if our surrounding is happy. It is contagious ( and a little bit sensitive word during this pandemic..)

Till next damn season!

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

Short Holiday

Just had like a short holiday. I know, it’s against everything that we’re fighting for, and UK started to giving restrictions at Tier 4.

So what do I feel after the short holiday.

You know that excitement to go somewhere that actually vanished for this year? And that weariness that you felt during your trip going home ?

Well yeah it kinda felt like that. Not so much for excitement(I’ve been there before), but total fatigue after hours of trip. Sometimes I do miss for planes and going for other countries I haven’t visited yet. Hopefully next year.

But anyway, I am quite okay with spending times with my family, doing some little hiking, and enjoying the fog and rain on the mountain (my favourite). I just did not realised I am getting this old (on my thirty now crying) and did not have the same stamina as I was used to, but actually I know my body more, I know what time I should eat, medication I should take, time I should go to sleep, so it is practically more into not giving up your daily habits during your short holiday. And wear mask.

But what the holiday gives me is it gives me back those long gold rope that keeps me sane in my insanity way, that whispering sessions of you’re doing good and you deserves it, so just enjoy. I watched my niece playing running without purpose, just running and I was like, time had passed way too much.. it’s been such a long time I haven’t been a child that doing things just because.. you like it.

I don’t know, those wide field of grasses giving them the freedom to run..since like this early year we barely run, or go anywhere, so that’s like a revenge for them. And I was just, happy by only seeing it. And I felt like an old person already(d’oh).

Happy Holiday..and take care!

30 Rock

It’s a quiet night tonight after a whole long week of raining.

One thing I realized these past few days that last night I was staying at my friend’s place and I enjoyed the freedom of it. I think my biggest problem here is the fact that I’m still living with my parents, feeling trapped as their kid instead of being a free individual, while I’m on my residency which restrain me from financial freedom to rent my own place.

I know, sucks and I just have to suck in it.

Anyway, the perks of being 30 is you know that the older you are you want to express things instead just keeping it inside, you’d rather to tell what you;re thinking and feeling to others whoever that is instead of keeping it by yourself and eventually getting you crazy. Talking to others giving you an epiphany for yourself that the problem is actually solvable and not as hard as we think, and we left our burden to think its problem itself. I’ve been keeping it to myself for the last years, for the whole life probably and know I realized I’m probably doing it wrong. We are human that needs connection to each other and sharing vulnerable part of ourself is keeping us near instead of distance.

Night.

We don’t have much time

We don’t have much time .

We don’t have much time to give signs, to ask people read the signs, to let people guess what we want.

We don’t have much time to let things slipped by the flaws of communication resulting in pride and prejudice

We don’t have much time to let people take our lives, following what people thought good for us

We don’t have much time for not doing things that we wanted to do since a long ago with some justified reasons

Since life is,

Life is a series of unprecedented fate that occurs from periodic thoughts and habits.

And yet we’re just souls and characters trapped in body form.

So we don’t have that much time to not questioning ourself what we’re here into

You skipped a bit you skipped the whole

We don’t have much time

Where’s your exit parade,

we don’t have much time to balance our memories and our worries

Why don’t we pick one or two that matters to you

Because we don’t have much time,

yet here we are

claiming we own the time

Elegy

It is still raining. Like a huge rain. Like I don’t know when it stops kinda rain.

This one time I realize.

I always this huge burden for myself that I, not allowing myself to enjoy life.

In fact..

In fact, I created this walls. These hard walls with others. With my parents. Friends. Lovers.

I am over proud with my walls that I don’t let people come in.

And I’m afraid, that I would be lonely.

I do have my family, but they’re blood related.

I hope there’s this person that be with me just because it is me.

It is not because I dream of a perfect wedding, or an ideal lover, or great children, the idea is just being more less lonely.

You know what the funny thing is? There are three old people living in this house. My father, my mother, and the other one is me. Yes I felt like a pathetic loser that live with my parents altough it is common in my place if you’re not married yet (damn excuse). I’m like these other old person who already past my primetime while actually i didn’t have yet having any primetime. My dreams were already occured in a movie, or book, or song. And I quite content. As like other old person lives, just trying to stay alive. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared. I live with this obligatory exception that my struggle is my inspiration for writing. A lame excuse noting that i actually nothing much than a blogger. But this is my only anchor for my ship, the piano for taylor swift, the wendy for peter pan. I live for nothing now. I’m surviving and that’s all. Or maybe this is just the artsy bits of worry for being thirty. I don’t know.. time felt so.. fast. and rain..doesn’t stop. Where do i go next ?

I need to go back…way back into myself.

Tis fiction never ends

This saturday morning includes binging Dash and Lily on netflix, grocery shopping, and sent some christmas presents to my neighbor. It’s a a tradition.

I would like to highlight about the overrated Dash and Lily. Some of my hearts love it- love it because it sets in New York and really show New York as its main character. Plus, New York during the christmas. With all the decorations. Perfect. The downside was- here we are, I just don’t like this typical story anymore. I mean, I used to like it, but now that I’m over my twenty something, I don’t bother with all these clues, first kiss, first clubbing, or those stuffs. Well, maybe this particular reminds me that I was never kissed (can you imagine how loser i am in this very age), or maybe because I didn’t have that amazing adventure of digging clue during my seventeen. But you know, some movie was not meant to be compared with ourselves. We will indirectly valued our life as a tragedy remembering we don’t have those much adventures. To be honest, I have my own shinanigans, or first love, or first rejection, or craziness, or brokenhearted, or a partner that never kissed me during those relationship time. I have my own story. I don’t need a validation from a tv show or a movie that my life sucks. Because it’s not. I don’t kiss because I have this principle religion. I’m sorry maybe it raised your eyebrow a little bit, but I prefer to do those things under holy matrimony. Marriage. I knew, I could cheat a little bit. It’s not a big deal. But I don’t need to have pressure that I kiss someone so I have a label of “my first kiss story”. And that’s what happened with Lily. She drank herself peppermint schnapp on christmas morning and decided to text a guy he hate during his junior high yet he kissed him so he get those experiences. Then Dash come and heartbroken. And guess what, few episodes away they’re fine and smuggling each other in The Strand during New Year’s Eve. I mean, I know the books would be wonderful, but I think there is too much of a fiction that we put into ourselves, creating our own boundaries for ourselves, putting a false standard that instead we’re degraded to not live to its fullest by some movies we watch. There are millions people outside your comfy zone, have their own story each, yet this is how enjoyed ourselves, by creating a rabbithole from false fiction and designated imagination.

Not that I hate fiction now. I mean, if I want to keep on writing eventually in order to making money you have to write a little fiction. Some opinions or self growth do sells, but only few bits. whats better than book-adapted into movie grossing title?

Maybe i’m just lack of sleep last night. And I’m grumpy and I watched fiction and I suddenly hate my life. Or maybe because now it’s raining again I became platonic to write. I love when it rains, again. It creates a solitude. It creates reason I didn’t have to come to a wedding. But now the wedding is outdoor, I just hope the rain doesn’t create a disaster. Or flood in any part of the country. That actually did already happened.

But with the spirit of festive and hope and believe, I wish tis season never ends.

before midnight

Before midnight

It starts to rain

Shouting to the big sky, echoing to myself

Am I safe, Am I sound?

For all these days that I’ve been putting myself into it

Before midnight

It is the perfect time to write

It is the best time now to re-light up my spark

That had been darkened for ages

It is the greatest time to be ..me

Before midnight

Before my special day ends, my birthday

Before the rain starts to stop

Before the magic is gone

I started to look back for what I’ve been feeling these past years

All those things, that I think I’ve felt things

I’m just a roller waiting the coaster

I’m just a kid looking up the sky

What’s next black sky, I asked

Am I safe, Am I sound?

Now that I’ve felt things with all those things

But I can’t keep up those feelings

Not even in a jar

Or in a heart that wanders

Now that I don’t feel anything

I lost my stars

Before midnight, I look up at the dark rained sky

Those rain drops fall, applausing, answering

You are safe,

and you are sound.

Written at my birth day, 2020

A Quiet Year

Imagine this. The world had gone crazy with these mysterious diseases that killed a huge amount of human-kind. People are shutting their doors off. Most business were closed. People are in strike. Politics gone madman. The economics were falling off. Sadly, it’s not 1918 where the spanish flu occured. It is today, the year 2020, where ironically the unusual suspects from this whole tantrum came from the gotham’s unsung heroes, the bats.

This year was supposed to be the futuristic year, the digital year. The year where everyone puts their vision. In my case, for the world of eye health, there is this Vision 2020 where the WHO campaigned initiative to decrease blindness in the year 2020, referencing the best vision a man could accept is 20/20. Well, sadly the world had a more important agenda to date, so it may hold a while.

But, again, life is irony, where this infection, that catch everyone’s attention, appears only as mild symptoms as a cold. A flu. Something that people are mostly underestimated with. It is not as dramatic as cancer or heart disease, where it is still the leading cause of death, but this infection is too fast that we could not comprehend the loss of those we loves.

In spite of the riot of this inevitable year, now what’s left for us? Surviving. Adaptation. We’re going back to the basic needs of human being. We eliminate these unneeded night-long parties, awkward conversations with group of friends we don’t really enjoy, social meeting with your peers that you don’t really have interested in. It forces you to ask yourself : what is the thing that I’ve wanted to do ? Maybe you could remember your childhood memories, or teenagers, what you’d enjoy doing, or creating, and why in the world you let those things off- maybe the world is cruel enough to force you to work, or maybe you fell for other things, but it is still there. The fuel was there, you just need to ignite it.

If you’re a workaholics and suddenly had many free times during this year, you would be enlightened that you told yourself ‘turns out I’m nothing without my work’. Well, that – or maybe you’re just plain wrong. Maybe you haven’t identified yourself with what you truly wanted to achieve and capable of. Maybe there’s hidden talent inside you that crave to be born, or reborn. And you don’t have to have a saying for that. If it’s not on the common choice below, such as cooking, writing, singing, playing instruments, exercising, talking, styling, gardening then still..go for it. It may doesn’t have a word yet, it may be something as weird as you think but it might eventually be what everyone’s need.

So,if this is that time again where the end of the year puts you in the corner and asks you, roughly, about what had you done for the last year, then the first answer is i’m still alive and the next thing is..imagine this, you become your ownself.