Greetings at Eve’s

Now that everything is unveiled

That everyone is at the most best itself in the end of year, i hope

Now that everything is white

And all the madness was forgiven

And hope appears on the surface

All the movies are out there

All the stories spread widely

You just have to choose

For your own sake of remedy

I wish you a merry holiday. Cheers ! May healthy be with all of us.

Christmas Eve 2020, Pandemic still going on.

Elegy

It is still raining. Like a huge rain. Like I don’t know when it stops kinda rain.

This one time I realize.

I always this huge burden for myself that I, not allowing myself to enjoy life.

In fact..

In fact, I created this walls. These hard walls with others. With my parents. Friends. Lovers.

I am over proud with my walls that I don’t let people come in.

And I’m afraid, that I would be lonely.

I do have my family, but they’re blood related.

I hope there’s this person that be with me just because it is me.

It is not because I dream of a perfect wedding, or an ideal lover, or great children, the idea is just being more less lonely.

You know what the funny thing is? There are three old people living in this house. My father, my mother, and the other one is me. Yes I felt like a pathetic loser that live with my parents altough it is common in my place if you’re not married yet (damn excuse). I’m like these other old person who already past my primetime while actually i didn’t have yet having any primetime. My dreams were already occured in a movie, or book, or song. And I quite content. As like other old person lives, just trying to stay alive. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared. I live with this obligatory exception that my struggle is my inspiration for writing. A lame excuse noting that i actually nothing much than a blogger. But this is my only anchor for my ship, the piano for taylor swift, the wendy for peter pan. I live for nothing now. I’m surviving and that’s all. Or maybe this is just the artsy bits of worry for being thirty. I don’t know.. time felt so.. fast. and rain..doesn’t stop. Where do i go next ?

I need to go back…way back into myself.

before midnight

Before midnight

It starts to rain

Shouting to the big sky, echoing to myself

Am I safe, Am I sound?

For all these days that I’ve been putting myself into it

Before midnight

It is the perfect time to write

It is the best time now to re-light up my spark

That had been darkened for ages

It is the greatest time to be ..me

Before midnight

Before my special day ends, my birthday

Before the rain starts to stop

Before the magic is gone

I started to look back for what I’ve been feeling these past years

All those things, that I think I’ve felt things

I’m just a roller waiting the coaster

I’m just a kid looking up the sky

What’s next black sky, I asked

Am I safe, Am I sound?

Now that I’ve felt things with all those things

But I can’t keep up those feelings

Not even in a jar

Or in a heart that wanders

Now that I don’t feel anything

I lost my stars

Before midnight, I look up at the dark rained sky

Those rain drops fall, applausing, answering

You are safe,

and you are sound.

Written at my birth day, 2020

A Reflection

Hi. Me again. Listening to Exile now (I’m addicted to it) with the raining background. Next week I’m turning thirty, God.. I felt still so reckless and all the same like I was thirteen (note the movie reference, 13 going on 30). I was just trying to create a reflection essay before I’m turning older and it seems that I will have a long list.. so instead I break those one-by-one and bore you, what about I’m giving thought about what I will prefer be doing for the future.

First, I won’t give a damn with everything everytime every tiny bit, because you know what..I’m just tired ! The fact that I realize that I became sensitive through the days and it made me realising I become who I don’t want to become. Old unloved and not-loving-anything at the moment who express emotions at any single thing. I don’t need to have excuses for everything and I shouldn’t. Most of the time all those tiny things will eventually have a solution by itself and voila you don’t need to intervene. You just have to let things go and enjoy things that delights you.

Second, I have these damn clouds following me everywhere every second every day that I’m this a born-to-be star and you know what? I’m not. Sorry to break the bad news but you’re not even close to being an actor, or a writer, or a singer, or a director, or a producer, or an award wining of any artistic components because you know what? I don’t even produce art. Things that I have personally written for the last year is just this blog and it’s crap, to be honest. I don’t even write anything, or at least part of writing anything and you expect a big massive name written on a cover of a book. That’s probably just me and other millions millenials human being. We enjoy lots of movies, songs, books and pretend to be one of them, meanwhile we’re just a customer who criticize and creating art is not easy. Creating art that is likeable to other people based on your personal taste is not easy at all. And creating art while you’re busy doing your life on the thin line juggling waiting to fall is other thing as well.

And all these times, thinking that I’m actually great but I don’t reach the full potential, is just a cloud in my brain holding tightly. I’m not even focusing at my moment for the last ..thirty years? I mean, I pray diligently at punctual time but my mind is wandering. I study diligently but my mind is wandering (tomorrow I have an exam and yet I’m writing this). And I’m thinking I’m born as a writer? Laughing nervously. Every profession needs to be trained even the slightest artistic bit. You can’t take things not seriously and expected amazing things occured.

Meanwhile, what has grown into me is that my mindset had been corrupted since the age of eleven..or something. I had this terrible worriness, fear, not knowing what to do, what I want, not even enjoying any hobby, trapped in my own mind, imagining things, spending million times of creating my own show, or performance, or ideas at night, but never put it in canvas, because guess what..that was all just my defense of mechanism for taking the real world that I’m not that guy, or having those thing, or creating those stories.

I’m fucked. But now I’m trying to exhale a lot much, trying to not let emotions get into me, trying to act like I’m surrender with all these thought in me and just flowing with wherever the world want me to goes, like autumn leaves falling in the water of the river in the forest.But it doesn’t mean that I’m not making any decisions. Wherever there are two side of the river I have to pick side anyway. It’s just I’m going to make a decision once I found those both side of the river and pick one by gut feeling.. I guess. It is tiring to just thinking about which side of the river I need to pick way before there’s even a lookout of those sideways.

So I understand my one and root of the problem. Before I turn thirty and became a forest for my own(reference to love and anarchy). I need to put my heart, body, brain, mouth, eyes, feel into what I’m doing now. I don’t want listening to music without understand the lyrics. I don’t want to study something without understand the basic reasons those knowledge exists. I don’t want to be exist around people just to make everyone feel that I’m just..there.

You know what? In every periode of my life, there are always some familiarities, those typical friends, that undescending love story, that recurring problems, that parent, that one or two great music, that one movie that give me enlightment, that book that give me that yes-it’s-me moment. It is recurring. Life. We’re just not realising much. Or like Bon Iver said,

i think i’ve seen this film before.

December 6th 2020 19:46

Me and My Ramadan (Special Pandemic Edition) :Back to Basics

Hello, as some of you know that I’m a moslem and todays starts the month that is very ritual for me, which is Ramadan. It is the month where all moslems in the world fasting (and breakfasting at the end of the day) for almost a month before we reach the Eid. This month is very important for us, and for me as well, because it is like a holy month where our supplications are answered, our deeds are multiplied, and so on. It’s like the holiday sale season for a fashion lover. And I don’t want to miss it just like another month. I want to increase my faith hopefully, despite all the pandemic situations going on, I hope it doesn’t bother at all and in fact it could give me some opportunities in focusing the pray!

So what I want to achieve in this Ramadan is back to basic. I want to get back for where I belong, as a humble individual created by God and thus we have to be grateful for it. And we worship God, it is actually mere for our benefits as well. Mindfulness in Islam is called Murakabah, and it includes meditation, supplication, dzikr, and Koran recital. So far in comprehensing about mindfulness I would add breathing technique, a noting that mind is always wander, an intention to be present, but now that I combine it with religion based knowledge, that’s not all. In order to relieve our stress and anxiety we have to have someone that is powerful enough as our protector and who else if it’s not..God? The supplications (prayers), dzikrs, and Koran recital is a way of reminder that all things happened is by permission of God. So let’s say if you’re afraid of getting fired you will try to be closer to your boss, stole his heart so you could be keep as an employee, well that’s pretty much what we should do with God.. in a more divine way. We praise God, we acknowledge our past mistakes and weakness as a human, then now that God pays attention to us, we ask God anything and have faith that it will be answered in the best way possible. Yes, the best way possible, because sometimes what we ask for is not always good for us, but God knows best.

Now that is time for us to get back to basics, I mean, all this pandemic going on, what is something that could we learn from all of this? That we as humanity has crashed in so many ways. I am not being too religious or anything but what your faith you had right now, you must ever heard about the pandemic in stories of the Prophets, right? Isn’t it God’s ways to give a direct reminder that some communities just did not play with God’s rule, and God wants to weep out the communities. That is, it is our time to think that there must be reasons why these conditions occurred. It is a reminder, so let’s back to the start. Let’s say we want to correct our previous mistakes, one step at a time, and fill it with the good deeds. It is the best time. So I might not be around routinely in my blog for the next month, but I am gonna check it once a while, but wherever you are in any part of the world, I wish you for a great safety and mindful health!

Photo by Naim Benjelloun on Pexels.com

What life had taught me

These are some things that I learned so far:

  1. Forgive people’s mistake easily

Human are born with mistakes. We have flaws. And somehow we lot our ego ruins our relationship with other human by being mad to each other. Let’s be honest, aren’t we have our bigger mistake as well? And how come we ask God for forgiveness but we are unable to control ourself from being mad with other human being. God is the most Forgiven yet we are easily blame other people. Humble ourself, take easy for every other mistake, and pray God will forgive ours.

2. Organize your life

Here’s a secret of important recipe for life : Get organised. It is very simple yet essential.

Organise your study.

Organise your time.

Organise your room, or your house.

Organise your friend, best friend, good friend, special friend.

Organise your connection with God.

3. Have a purpose in everything that you are doing

Don’t let yourself be the automatic mode. Be present in whatever you are doing right now, ask yourself, what do you want to achieve with it. If you think this is useless, leave it and do other thing that encourage you with a good purpose.

Pray to God with a purpose : Today my pray will get me closer to God. Little by little, so we are in a close relationship with the Creator.

4. Take shortcomings as an experience

A new challenge is ahead of us to make us a better person. Don’t be afraid. Wholeheartedly doing it and create a solution in every challenge. Hopefully it would help us to erase our sin and be a bigger person.

5. We cant’ have everything that we dreamed of and it’s okay

Accept what we don’t have as our own struggle, instead asking for more. Embrace what we are having now. It really is okay, we have to eliminate unneeded wanted of things. If we’re getting everything that we want right now, what’s left for us in the hereafter?

5. We could do everything but we shouldn’t

Life is a test and we have to follow the rules. Pray and always search for a reminder that this world is just a test and there will be an after life. We are mostly forgot that life has its own rules. We use a people rules, such as if other people doing it then what I am doing is okay. Maybe we need to address that, maybe we’re not on the right environment. The key to change is change our environment.

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The Bases of Sins

They are pride, envy, anger, and desire.

Pride can be prevented through submission to God, envy through advice and offering it, anger through justice, and desire through devoting oneself to worship. If the base of pride falls, submission would be easy for him, if the base of envy falls, accepting advice and offering it would be easy, if the base of anger falls, justice and humility would be easy, and if the base of desire falls, patience, virtue, and worship would be easy for him. Removing mountains from their places would be easier than removing these four from whoever was afflicted with them, especially if they become solid bases, habit, and firm characteristics.

Envy in reality is a way of showing enmity toward God ; he hates the blessing of God that was granted to another human. Removing pride and envy is done through knowing God, acknowledging Him, being satisfied with Him, repenting to Him, removing all anger from his sou and knowing that it is not worthy to be angry nor seeking revenge. Whenever it feels something of anger, in exchange it will lose something from anger.

The cure to desire is true knowledge and learning that giving the soul all it desires is the greatest cause behind depriving and protecting from it is the best way to gain. The more you close to door to desires, the more you would be reaching the desires in the most perfect way.

Anger is like a lion, if its owner sets it free, it will eat him.

Desire is like a fire, if its owner starts it, it will burn him.

Pride is like fighting against a king to take his kingdom, if it not destroy you it will expel you.

Envy is like showing enmity to one who is more powerful than you.

Whoever overcomes his desire and anger, evil will depart from him and whoever’s desire and anger beat him, evil will stick to him.

Al Fawa’id : A Collection of Wise Sayings

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