Hi. Me again. Listening to Exile now (I’m addicted to it) with the raining background. Next week I’m turning thirty, God.. I felt still so reckless and all the same like I was thirteen (note the movie reference, 13 going on 30). I was just trying to create a reflection essay before I’m turning older and it seems that I will have a long list.. so instead I break those one-by-one and bore you, what about I’m giving thought about what I will prefer be doing for the future.
First, I won’t give a damn with everything everytime every tiny bit, because you know what..I’m just tired ! The fact that I realize that I became sensitive through the days and it made me realising I become who I don’t want to become. Old unloved and not-loving-anything at the moment who express emotions at any single thing. I don’t need to have excuses for everything and I shouldn’t. Most of the time all those tiny things will eventually have a solution by itself and voila you don’t need to intervene. You just have to let things go and enjoy things that delights you.
Second, I have these damn clouds following me everywhere every second every day that I’m this a born-to-be star and you know what? I’m not. Sorry to break the bad news but you’re not even close to being an actor, or a writer, or a singer, or a director, or a producer, or an award wining of any artistic components because you know what? I don’t even produce art. Things that I have personally written for the last year is just this blog and it’s crap, to be honest. I don’t even write anything, or at least part of writing anything and you expect a big massive name written on a cover of a book. That’s probably just me and other millions millenials human being. We enjoy lots of movies, songs, books and pretend to be one of them, meanwhile we’re just a customer who criticize and creating art is not easy. Creating art that is likeable to other people based on your personal taste is not easy at all. And creating art while you’re busy doing your life on the thin line juggling waiting to fall is other thing as well.
And all these times, thinking that I’m actually great but I don’t reach the full potential, is just a cloud in my brain holding tightly. I’m not even focusing at my moment for the last ..thirty years? I mean, I pray diligently at punctual time but my mind is wandering. I study diligently but my mind is wandering (tomorrow I have an exam and yet I’m writing this). And I’m thinking I’m born as a writer? Laughing nervously. Every profession needs to be trained even the slightest artistic bit. You can’t take things not seriously and expected amazing things occured.
Meanwhile, what has grown into me is that my mindset had been corrupted since the age of eleven..or something. I had this terrible worriness, fear, not knowing what to do, what I want, not even enjoying any hobby, trapped in my own mind, imagining things, spending million times of creating my own show, or performance, or ideas at night, but never put it in canvas, because guess what..that was all just my defense of mechanism for taking the real world that I’m not that guy, or having those thing, or creating those stories.
I’m fucked. But now I’m trying to exhale a lot much, trying to not let emotions get into me, trying to act like I’m surrender with all these thought in me and just flowing with wherever the world want me to goes, like autumn leaves falling in the water of the river in the forest.But it doesn’t mean that I’m not making any decisions. Wherever there are two side of the river I have to pick side anyway. It’s just I’m going to make a decision once I found those both side of the river and pick one by gut feeling.. I guess. It is tiring to just thinking about which side of the river I need to pick way before there’s even a lookout of those sideways.
So I understand my one and root of the problem. Before I turn thirty and became a forest for my own(reference to love and anarchy). I need to put my heart, body, brain, mouth, eyes, feel into what I’m doing now. I don’t want listening to music without understand the lyrics. I don’t want to study something without understand the basic reasons those knowledge exists. I don’t want to be exist around people just to make everyone feel that I’m just..there.
You know what? In every periode of my life, there are always some familiarities, those typical friends, that undescending love story, that recurring problems, that parent, that one or two great music, that one movie that give me enlightment, that book that give me that yes-it’s-me moment. It is recurring. Life. We’re just not realising much. Or like Bon Iver said,
i think i’ve seen this film before.
December 6th 2020 19:46