Me : Well.. where do I start. I am going to be honest, once and for all. I’m trying to reflect on what had happened for the last twenty years I lived and I felt I kept doing all that wasted things.
Therapist : What wasted things ?
Me : Mmm.. I’m doing lots of bad things. It maybe not harmful for the others, but it is wasting my time and it was harmful to me. I became corrupted for what I did.
Therapist : Can you explain ?
Me : For example, If I have a free time, I’d be daydreaming about me doing all this great thing in the world. Or me being another person doing all the great thing in the world. I listen to my music and I’m just lost into it. I walk around my room and wasted an hour or two about it. At night, sometimes I’m just wasting by watching movies. Lots of movies or tv show, and I’m getting aroused by them. I daydreamed again because I want to be a part of the movie, and all the lust and desires coming to my mind. And another thing, this is sometimes harmful to others, I could not take other people’s talk lightly, sometimes I would just mad and express my anger towards them, or to the people I loved, like my parents. But even worse, I’m a religious man, I prayed five times a day, I go fasting twice a week, I read the Quran. But I’m still doing all those bad things.
Therapist : Do you want to change ?
Me : …
Therapist : You are in doubt. You want to change, but you know deep inside you don’t. You felt comfortable with your time table and habit. You have this self-defencing mechanism to express your stress by distracting yourself into imagination, a better world. But you live in a perceptual hope. You know it won’t happen to you in your life, because you dream way too high but you’re okay because somehow it relieves you from the reality. You always say to yourself before doing this conscious habit ” I need this. I need to run away from this”. Maybe it’s boredom, maybe it’s feeling not enough, maybe it’s anger. You channeling it right, you don’t harm others by daydreaming, but you realised that it took all your precious time. Sometimes you’re going back to God, you have the acceptance and you the urge to be in peace, but did your religious rituals change? No, sadly, because you’re doing it in automatic mode. You’re not doing it wholeheartedly.
Me : What should I do now ?
Therapist : First, the devil trapped you in three ways: anger, lust, or disgraceful to God. Once you trapped with it, they’re going to attack you with their greatest weapon : being hopeless that you will not be forgiven. Allah is the most merciful. So don’t lose hope. You could still repent from your sin and change.
Me : Okay, how do I start over ? I mean I have thought of that lots of time but things were always the same.
Therapist : If you’re start over, let’s just say the synonyms is reborn. And as a child, you will be exposed to everything new. That is start over. You want to perceived everything, your praying, your reading, with the sense of taking it wholeheartedly. You can not change your body, your gender, your home country, your family, but you could control your habit. Habit changes attitude and it changes character as well. And remember, habit is not only physical habit, but also mind-habit. Do not swayed with all your false reasonings to make your wrongdoings is justifiable.
Me : Could you give me an example, like in an actual way how to perceived this idea ?
Therapist : Let’s see…Okay let’s break down it a bit.
Next time you have the urge to walk around with music and daydreaming about being your whole different you or different imaginary person, you might want to observe your mind. What caused this? It is mostly probably by receiving impulse from others’ success story or your failure in life. You know what ? Now that you have a platform to it, write it. Write it down. Your jealousy, your failure, your bad temperature, share it to to others. If your talking to other people like your friend, you might get upset if you don’t receive the input you expect, but by writing you could just express everything off without being judged.
Now, next time you have the urge about lust, this is pretty hard. It was difficult because you celebrate celibacy and you’re not married yet. But it doesn’t mean that it justifies all your wrongdoings. You might want to observe your mind. What person attracts you, and you might want to think that the person was just ordinary. You’ve seen lots of things and it doesn’t worth to think of. So my best advice would be, sleep it off. Distract your mind. Think another issue that was interesting or stressing even.
The anger part will be flight it off, do not fight it. Wash your face. Take a meditation. Feel your breathing, your existence, and remind yourself that other people short words won’t disturb your mindfulness. Laugh it off, take other people’s words lightly, be silent and smile or doze it off.
Me : Okay..but what will I do if I have free time ? I felt lots of enjoyment with that. The daydreaming. The movie. The desires. That is why I keep living by. Thats my entertainment.
Therapist : I know.. it would be difficult. But it doesn’t mean that it could not be change. It is not a waste of time if your enjoying it. That is your slogan right ? But now you have been a lot mature and you’re not enjoying it anymore. Your time had passed. The enjoying time had already passed. Now you’re in the midst of boredom with your old habits and you want to create new things that matters. For starters, if anything comes up from all that we discussed : write it here. Channel your time by explore your writing, instead being a consumer, be a producer. Produce something.
But remember, you don’t have to stressed out to make every time is productive as possible. You’re just observe your mind first everytime you’re about to do something. Distract it with other thing that could probably spent your time a lot better.
Me : Okay.. thank you for now. I could sleep and I will be back if I need you.
Therapist : Thank you for being mindful and have this self-talk. Good night.
My room, Day 2 Lockdown , 01.00 AM.
Little Writing on the Wall 