Elegy

It is still raining. Like a huge rain. Like I don’t know when it stops kinda rain.

This one time I realize.

I always this huge burden for myself that I, not allowing myself to enjoy life.

In fact..

In fact, I created this walls. These hard walls with others. With my parents. Friends. Lovers.

I am over proud with my walls that I don’t let people come in.

And I’m afraid, that I would be lonely.

I do have my family, but they’re blood related.

I hope there’s this person that be with me just because it is me.

It is not because I dream of a perfect wedding, or an ideal lover, or great children, the idea is just being more less lonely.

You know what the funny thing is? There are three old people living in this house. My father, my mother, and the other one is me. Yes I felt like a pathetic loser that live with my parents altough it is common in my place if you’re not married yet (damn excuse). I’m like these other old person who already past my primetime while actually i didn’t have yet having any primetime. My dreams were already occured in a movie, or book, or song. And I quite content. As like other old person lives, just trying to stay alive. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared. I live with this obligatory exception that my struggle is my inspiration for writing. A lame excuse noting that i actually nothing much than a blogger. But this is my only anchor for my ship, the piano for taylor swift, the wendy for peter pan. I live for nothing now. I’m surviving and that’s all. Or maybe this is just the artsy bits of worry for being thirty. I don’t know.. time felt so.. fast. and rain..doesn’t stop. Where do i go next ?

I need to go back…way back into myself.

A Quiet Year

Imagine this. The world had gone crazy with these mysterious diseases that killed a huge amount of human-kind. People are shutting their doors off. Most business were closed. People are in strike. Politics gone madman. The economics were falling off. Sadly, it’s not 1918 where the spanish flu occured. It is today, the year 2020, where ironically the unusual suspects from this whole tantrum came from the gotham’s unsung heroes, the bats.

This year was supposed to be the futuristic year, the digital year. The year where everyone puts their vision. In my case, for the world of eye health, there is this Vision 2020 where the WHO campaigned initiative to decrease blindness in the year 2020, referencing the best vision a man could accept is 20/20. Well, sadly the world had a more important agenda to date, so it may hold a while.

But, again, life is irony, where this infection, that catch everyone’s attention, appears only as mild symptoms as a cold. A flu. Something that people are mostly underestimated with. It is not as dramatic as cancer or heart disease, where it is still the leading cause of death, but this infection is too fast that we could not comprehend the loss of those we loves.

In spite of the riot of this inevitable year, now what’s left for us? Surviving. Adaptation. We’re going back to the basic needs of human being. We eliminate these unneeded night-long parties, awkward conversations with group of friends we don’t really enjoy, social meeting with your peers that you don’t really have interested in. It forces you to ask yourself : what is the thing that I’ve wanted to do ? Maybe you could remember your childhood memories, or teenagers, what you’d enjoy doing, or creating, and why in the world you let those things off- maybe the world is cruel enough to force you to work, or maybe you fell for other things, but it is still there. The fuel was there, you just need to ignite it.

If you’re a workaholics and suddenly had many free times during this year, you would be enlightened that you told yourself ‘turns out I’m nothing without my work’. Well, that – or maybe you’re just plain wrong. Maybe you haven’t identified yourself with what you truly wanted to achieve and capable of. Maybe there’s hidden talent inside you that crave to be born, or reborn. And you don’t have to have a saying for that. If it’s not on the common choice below, such as cooking, writing, singing, playing instruments, exercising, talking, styling, gardening then still..go for it. It may doesn’t have a word yet, it may be something as weird as you think but it might eventually be what everyone’s need.

So,if this is that time again where the end of the year puts you in the corner and asks you, roughly, about what had you done for the last year, then the first answer is i’m still alive and the next thing is..imagine this, you become your ownself.

December

suddenly it pours

The rain, in the middle of the night

The natural alarm, waking me up

Not trying to noticing what time it is

Just let this be a night and not a designated time with numbers

suddenly it pours

My tears, with no particular reason

I had done all the bad things

But people thought i am nice

Am i lying to myself or the other way round

Im this animal trapped in a human body

suddenly it pours

My sorry, with no particular reason

Sorry for others but mostly for myself

For the last designated number of years

I had trapped you in this dream

I should’ve wake up but i won’t

I’ve been trying to sleep all these years

But suddenly it pour, my heart, keeping me awake

To at least redeem my flaws

To find this last beat of heart

That hold me tight when it rains

Wednesday, 9 th December 2020 07.00 AM

A Reflection

Hi. Me again. Listening to Exile now (I’m addicted to it) with the raining background. Next week I’m turning thirty, God.. I felt still so reckless and all the same like I was thirteen (note the movie reference, 13 going on 30). I was just trying to create a reflection essay before I’m turning older and it seems that I will have a long list.. so instead I break those one-by-one and bore you, what about I’m giving thought about what I will prefer be doing for the future.

First, I won’t give a damn with everything everytime every tiny bit, because you know what..I’m just tired ! The fact that I realize that I became sensitive through the days and it made me realising I become who I don’t want to become. Old unloved and not-loving-anything at the moment who express emotions at any single thing. I don’t need to have excuses for everything and I shouldn’t. Most of the time all those tiny things will eventually have a solution by itself and voila you don’t need to intervene. You just have to let things go and enjoy things that delights you.

Second, I have these damn clouds following me everywhere every second every day that I’m this a born-to-be star and you know what? I’m not. Sorry to break the bad news but you’re not even close to being an actor, or a writer, or a singer, or a director, or a producer, or an award wining of any artistic components because you know what? I don’t even produce art. Things that I have personally written for the last year is just this blog and it’s crap, to be honest. I don’t even write anything, or at least part of writing anything and you expect a big massive name written on a cover of a book. That’s probably just me and other millions millenials human being. We enjoy lots of movies, songs, books and pretend to be one of them, meanwhile we’re just a customer who criticize and creating art is not easy. Creating art that is likeable to other people based on your personal taste is not easy at all. And creating art while you’re busy doing your life on the thin line juggling waiting to fall is other thing as well.

And all these times, thinking that I’m actually great but I don’t reach the full potential, is just a cloud in my brain holding tightly. I’m not even focusing at my moment for the last ..thirty years? I mean, I pray diligently at punctual time but my mind is wandering. I study diligently but my mind is wandering (tomorrow I have an exam and yet I’m writing this). And I’m thinking I’m born as a writer? Laughing nervously. Every profession needs to be trained even the slightest artistic bit. You can’t take things not seriously and expected amazing things occured.

Meanwhile, what has grown into me is that my mindset had been corrupted since the age of eleven..or something. I had this terrible worriness, fear, not knowing what to do, what I want, not even enjoying any hobby, trapped in my own mind, imagining things, spending million times of creating my own show, or performance, or ideas at night, but never put it in canvas, because guess what..that was all just my defense of mechanism for taking the real world that I’m not that guy, or having those thing, or creating those stories.

I’m fucked. But now I’m trying to exhale a lot much, trying to not let emotions get into me, trying to act like I’m surrender with all these thought in me and just flowing with wherever the world want me to goes, like autumn leaves falling in the water of the river in the forest.But it doesn’t mean that I’m not making any decisions. Wherever there are two side of the river I have to pick side anyway. It’s just I’m going to make a decision once I found those both side of the river and pick one by gut feeling.. I guess. It is tiring to just thinking about which side of the river I need to pick way before there’s even a lookout of those sideways.

So I understand my one and root of the problem. Before I turn thirty and became a forest for my own(reference to love and anarchy). I need to put my heart, body, brain, mouth, eyes, feel into what I’m doing now. I don’t want listening to music without understand the lyrics. I don’t want to study something without understand the basic reasons those knowledge exists. I don’t want to be exist around people just to make everyone feel that I’m just..there.

You know what? In every periode of my life, there are always some familiarities, those typical friends, that undescending love story, that recurring problems, that parent, that one or two great music, that one movie that give me enlightment, that book that give me that yes-it’s-me moment. It is recurring. Life. We’re just not realising much. Or like Bon Iver said,

i think i’ve seen this film before.

December 6th 2020 19:46

What life had taught me

These are some things that I learned so far:

  1. Forgive people’s mistake easily

Human are born with mistakes. We have flaws. And somehow we lot our ego ruins our relationship with other human by being mad to each other. Let’s be honest, aren’t we have our bigger mistake as well? And how come we ask God for forgiveness but we are unable to control ourself from being mad with other human being. God is the most Forgiven yet we are easily blame other people. Humble ourself, take easy for every other mistake, and pray God will forgive ours.

2. Organize your life

Here’s a secret of important recipe for life : Get organised. It is very simple yet essential.

Organise your study.

Organise your time.

Organise your room, or your house.

Organise your friend, best friend, good friend, special friend.

Organise your connection with God.

3. Have a purpose in everything that you are doing

Don’t let yourself be the automatic mode. Be present in whatever you are doing right now, ask yourself, what do you want to achieve with it. If you think this is useless, leave it and do other thing that encourage you with a good purpose.

Pray to God with a purpose : Today my pray will get me closer to God. Little by little, so we are in a close relationship with the Creator.

4. Take shortcomings as an experience

A new challenge is ahead of us to make us a better person. Don’t be afraid. Wholeheartedly doing it and create a solution in every challenge. Hopefully it would help us to erase our sin and be a bigger person.

5. We cant’ have everything that we dreamed of and it’s okay

Accept what we don’t have as our own struggle, instead asking for more. Embrace what we are having now. It really is okay, we have to eliminate unneeded wanted of things. If we’re getting everything that we want right now, what’s left for us in the hereafter?

5. We could do everything but we shouldn’t

Life is a test and we have to follow the rules. Pray and always search for a reminder that this world is just a test and there will be an after life. We are mostly forgot that life has its own rules. We use a people rules, such as if other people doing it then what I am doing is okay. Maybe we need to address that, maybe we’re not on the right environment. The key to change is change our environment.

Photo by Flickr on Pexels.com

Life is a repetitive act of habit

You know that feeling when you felt like you had already felt everything in the world and you have nothing left to be excite?

Maybe it’s the sign when you’re going in your thirties. Before I’m going to sleep one night I just remember some of my past, my habitual past, it creates pattern. You know those feeling when you encountered some particular problems or issues. You know it very well. You know how you’ll react with that feeling. You know it very well. At that moment you just didn’t recognise it. But after connecting the dots, you realised that everything you did for the last twenty plus year was basically the same. I’m not really changing. We are not. What changes is just how we perceive those stimulus. Maybe because we encountered it multiple times we’d be more calm to some situations. We know what will happens next, or at least we could predict what will happens. Even the outcome did not exactly match our prediction, that’s okay, because you are not a stranger with surprises. You just have to go with it. The main idea basically the same, it’s something surprising, stressful, thrilling, whether it’s a a bad news, a duty, or an intervention, it’s something you did not expect. And you just have to remember that it’s not your first time. You have to tell yourself i’ve encountered this before so it’s just another wave. And then you just have to surf the wave.

And that night before bed I realise that all these times I was consumed by my own imagination. That sometime I will encountered that dream. But I need to wake up before even sleeping that those things will not happened. Because it’s too far.

Sometimes I dreamed I’m a French, born French, have French physique and friends and work and living in Paris. Never going to happen.

Sometimes I dreamed winning an oscar and working in movie industry. Most probably never going to happen.

And sometimes I dreamed I had a very good friend, that I could share everything. That we met on a busy metro or tube, initially a stranger then we met and match. But yes, this is not going to happen as well.

Sometimes I dreamed I could live in a foreign country for the rest of my life. Due to my circumstance that I’m a licensed doctor in my country, that will not going to happen again.

Then I ask myself that night, what do I want?

What do I really want ?

Then I don’t really want anything. I didn’t. I already surrender with all my false hope and let life just rolled. Like everybody did. Like most everybody did. I do have hope. But my hope is just for me being a better person. But not again I’m hoping in a special circumstances as a dream city, job, group of friends, intimate others, situation. Because expectation creates worry and fear and doubt and other destructive things.

Expectation leads us run from being grateful for what we have now.

So now I was thinking that we ourself creates happiness. But I don’t believe in that word anymore, happiness. It’s artificial.Saying I’m happy is saying I’m at that moment happy, it’s only a state of emotion. Runs ups and downs. I believe more in mindfulness. WE ourself creates mindfulness. Peace of mind.

For example, I’m happy after watching a good movie. Then I want to applicate my life with everything that occured in the movie. I want to be like in the movie. Or a series show. I enjoyed it and I crave for it, looking the actors, the interview, giggling through the whole archived search, but in two weeks, three weeks you’ll going to forget that. You’re going to move to another state of liking something else. Because I know myself, I’m easily interested with things but easily bored as well. That’s my habit of thought. Maybe some others as well. Maybe we all are. We’re moving from one thing to another thing. We crave for new stimulus. And I’m not yet talking about social media.

Life is a repetitive act of habit.

Now that I already know or felt everything, I tricked myself to be mindful in every thing that happened. Because I life for almost thirty years and I have experienced a lot of things. The next thirty years (If I have that many years) will be a repetitive act of response on internal or external stimuli. And now that I’m calm, I’m just gonna sit and enjoy the journey. Without expecting. With regrets. With grateful. With mindfulness. With myself.

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Drifting

Things were getting intense lately. The whole self isolation thing is getting on everyone’s nerves. In my hospital, people were blaming others, people were giving some debatable instructions, it caused many chaotic event. I personally think that for some others that did not relate with treating corona infected patients, the most challenging case is to stay sane. To keep up clarity during at home. I think the changes occur in my office were never happened before. It creates history. It was something new that we need to be brave on our choices. But to be mindful is not an easy task. It requires lots of practice to become eventually a habit.

I am getting to know one or two thing in life, like the limit of our fear, and that sometimes if we’re really able to be bold enough to do anything, we could push to the limits and suddenly there will be no limit. So what I want to achieve here is that being mindful is a hard task , but workable.

I am drifting..

For knowing that I am here and know nothing about my future or next plan.

I am enjoying the sun that still rises daily.

And I’m grateful enough for that.

Photo by Simon Stolzenbach on Pexels.com

One Last Look

The Social distancing and self-isolation proves some positive results in our mindfulness if we’re doing it correctly.

We enjoy what things we could do in a minimal setting and we can’t be more grateful enough about we have. The simple food that we could create with the minimal amount of ingredients in the fridge.

Talking with people at home and cherish more that they are there, just because we are social creature. We need to talk at others. Sometimes we manage to be exhausted by people’s chat but turned out the more amount you spend time with yourself, the more it became depressing.

And people that exist in your home during this lockdown must be the most precious people on earth for you.

And you might want to look at them one last look, talk with compassion, because you just want to be grateful for the existence of people around you. Some people isolates by themselves and that could be more depressing.

Take a one last look, before all the madness in the world start to choke you again, embrace this little moment of togetherness.

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What to do at home during the lock-down : part 2

Suddenly you have all time in the world..with space restriction. Here are some tips to fill your daily tasks so you’re not turning into zombie and trap in prison of consciousness-here we are :

  1. Learning new language

It’s the time for you to actually learn the language that you’ve been craving for but you have no time.. for me, it’s French. Take some online classes or enjoy some of the movies with subtitles. I’m really interested with FluentU online classes, I think I’m gonna give it a try for free trial. I’m wondering to spent sunny day in Paris just like I had last year, sitting on a café and ordering menu but this time with a proper French language, instead of using the english where some of French people surprisingly did not talk very fluently. I think that would be fantastic, if we survive all this world war Z ( we hope so).

Photo by Matt Hardy on Pexels.com

2. Conference call tutoring class

I’ve tried it with my friend. So he’s going to have an exam next month to get into the same residency where I’m currently enrolled (yay for more friends) and I also have an exam next month. So I just found out earlier is the best way to study is to teach people..that’s why the teacher is always the best student. So me and my friend use zoom to tutor. It’s great so far, because since I want to give a legit material I have to read it thoroughly before I explained it to my friend and give the easiest explanation as possible. And he would give feedback giving questions or re-stating what I just explained so it’s a great active way of studying. A little tips for conference call : do use sharescreen tools so you are on the same page with your peers. For example opening the page of ebook or since I’m studying material with lots of picture needed I opened google images and typing everything that we’re currently studying. It’s quite effective since you’ll see lots of familiar picture so you’ll have a great picture-memory shot and sometimes there are some photos of slides or screenshot from the textbook that points some of the important information.

Photo by bongkarn thanyakij on Pexels.com

3. De-clutter your stuffs

So you might ever heard about Marie Kondo? If not then I felt sorry for you. This is the right time to re-organise your stuffs and remove all wasted stuffs. There are some easy ways to declutter your closet or your room according to Kondo. If you’re not keen enough on reading the book, you could just jump to some of her youtube tutorial. And it’s amazing because not only it physically make your room great again, but it also give mindfulness and calamity.

I just love how she animates the emotion.

4. Follow the news

I know there were lots of false and hoax news supplied our social media or social chatting app, but it’s best for us to actually know what happened outside. I’m a very big fan of Live with Lucy Hockings for BBC global news. I think not only we’re following a legit information source but it’s also good for our mindfulness that we’re also care about the international conditions instead of being busy with our little world.

5. Practice Meditation

It is a really good way to spend your time. Take it lightly once a day maybe, but once you’re getting into it, it helps to calm us during this indefinite moment. And after the whole lockdown is over – yes, I’m optimistic, we might want to use in our daily basis.

Photo by Prasanth Inturi on Pexels.com

You could also read the other tips on my previous post here.

Self-Therapy Session

Me : Well.. where do I start. I am going to be honest, once and for all. I’m trying to reflect on what had happened for the last twenty years I lived and I felt I kept doing all that wasted things.

Therapist : What wasted things ?

Me : Mmm.. I’m doing lots of bad things. It maybe not harmful for the others, but it is wasting my time and it was harmful to me. I became corrupted for what I did.

Therapist : Can you explain ?

Me : For example, If I have a free time, I’d be daydreaming about me doing all this great thing in the world. Or me being another person doing all the great thing in the world. I listen to my music and I’m just lost into it. I walk around my room and wasted an hour or two about it. At night, sometimes I’m just wasting by watching movies. Lots of movies or tv show, and I’m getting aroused by them. I daydreamed again because I want to be a part of the movie, and all the lust and desires coming to my mind. And another thing, this is sometimes harmful to others, I could not take other people’s talk lightly, sometimes I would just mad and express my anger towards them, or to the people I loved, like my parents. But even worse, I’m a religious man, I prayed five times a day, I go fasting twice a week, I read the Quran. But I’m still doing all those bad things.

Therapist : Do you want to change ?

Me : …

Therapist : You are in doubt. You want to change, but you know deep inside you don’t. You felt comfortable with your time table and habit. You have this self-defencing mechanism to express your stress by distracting yourself into imagination, a better world. But you live in a perceptual hope. You know it won’t happen to you in your life, because you dream way too high but you’re okay because somehow it relieves you from the reality. You always say to yourself before doing this conscious habit ” I need this. I need to run away from this”. Maybe it’s boredom, maybe it’s feeling not enough, maybe it’s anger. You channeling it right, you don’t harm others by daydreaming, but you realised that it took all your precious time. Sometimes you’re going back to God, you have the acceptance and you the urge to be in peace, but did your religious rituals change? No, sadly, because you’re doing it in automatic mode. You’re not doing it wholeheartedly.

Me : What should I do now ?

Therapist : First, the devil trapped you in three ways: anger, lust, or disgraceful to God. Once you trapped with it, they’re going to attack you with their greatest weapon : being hopeless that you will not be forgiven. Allah is the most merciful. So don’t lose hope. You could still repent from your sin and change.

Me : Okay, how do I start over ? I mean I have thought of that lots of time but things were always the same.

Therapist : If you’re start over, let’s just say the synonyms is reborn. And as a child, you will be exposed to everything new. That is start over. You want to perceived everything, your praying, your reading, with the sense of taking it wholeheartedly. You can not change your body, your gender, your home country, your family, but you could control your habit. Habit changes attitude and it changes character as well. And remember, habit is not only physical habit, but also mind-habit. Do not swayed with all your false reasonings to make your wrongdoings is justifiable.

Me : Could you give me an example, like in an actual way how to perceived this idea ?

Therapist : Let’s see…Okay let’s break down it a bit.

Next time you have the urge to walk around with music and daydreaming about being your whole different you or different imaginary person, you might want to observe your mind. What caused this? It is mostly probably by receiving impulse from others’ success story or your failure in life. You know what ? Now that you have a platform to it, write it. Write it down. Your jealousy, your failure, your bad temperature, share it to to others. If your talking to other people like your friend, you might get upset if you don’t receive the input you expect, but by writing you could just express everything off without being judged.

Now, next time you have the urge about lust, this is pretty hard. It was difficult because you celebrate celibacy and you’re not married yet. But it doesn’t mean that it justifies all your wrongdoings. You might want to observe your mind. What person attracts you, and you might want to think that the person was just ordinary. You’ve seen lots of things and it doesn’t worth to think of. So my best advice would be, sleep it off. Distract your mind. Think another issue that was interesting or stressing even.

The anger part will be flight it off, do not fight it. Wash your face. Take a meditation. Feel your breathing, your existence, and remind yourself that other people short words won’t disturb your mindfulness. Laugh it off, take other people’s words lightly, be silent and smile or doze it off.

Me : Okay..but what will I do if I have free time ? I felt lots of enjoyment with that. The daydreaming. The movie. The desires. That is why I keep living by. Thats my entertainment.

Therapist : I know.. it would be difficult. But it doesn’t mean that it could not be change. It is not a waste of time if your enjoying it. That is your slogan right ? But now you have been a lot mature and you’re not enjoying it anymore. Your time had passed. The enjoying time had already passed. Now you’re in the midst of boredom with your old habits and you want to create new things that matters. For starters, if anything comes up from all that we discussed : write it here. Channel your time by explore your writing, instead being a consumer, be a producer. Produce something.

But remember, you don’t have to stressed out to make every time is productive as possible. You’re just observe your mind first everytime you’re about to do something. Distract it with other thing that could probably spent your time a lot better.

Me : Okay.. thank you for now. I could sleep and I will be back if I need you.

Therapist : Thank you for being mindful and have this self-talk. Good night.

My room, Day 2 Lockdown , 01.00 AM.