Diary of an eye resident doctor

Today, my patient is a little girl. One of her eye had already shrunken, we called it pthisis of eye. It had been damaged due to her history of prematurity, resulting a condition of severe stage of retinopathy of prematurity. Now she only left with her left eye but sadly due to its compensation, she couldn’t see with 6/6 vision on her left eye. So the best thing for her is saving her last eye as best way as possible, and accurate refraction and glasses will help her. The ironic thing is that she had a younger baby brother, with the same resulting condition, with severe retinopathy of prematurity. It’s so sad. As far as I concerned, it is not genetic. But the father of these two kids were so brave and wholeheartedly bring these kids, and when we asked them to do an examination (eye examination for kids could take a long time), he encourage the kids with “c’mon let’s go!” with pleasurable vibe. He cheers them up. I’m just so amazed by how the father could pull up this heartwarming attitude despite the situation of both the kids.

My last patient today was another kids ( I am on my rotation of eye pediatric, that’s why my patients were all children ), it’s a six months old baby with both eye having the suspicious cancer, which is retinoblastoma. It’s a devastating news for the parents. They had been aware for the last three months that the baby had “cat-eye” apperance but they did not take it as an alarm. Cat eye appearance or leukokoria is a high chance of suspicion of eye cancer. I urgently referred this patient to the oncology unit for further work up. I hate to be the one breaking the bad news, but that’s one of the suckiest thing to be a doctor. You had to tell the truth.

I just hope all of the family of these children had the strength they need to have. Having eye disease is a problem, but having your kids’ eye a disease, is a way bigger problem. It takes a whole lifetime to the kids to adapt for their vision and increase the quality of life. I just hope they could see the world as bright as it ever be.


Just like an aspiring singer that know that he has a good voice but lack of a big platform to tell, this is what happen to me, an aspiring writer. I convinced my self to write a book, probably since I was college, but here I am, thirteen years later, still not writing a damn single book. What’s up with contemplation, procrastination, excuse myself with “I’m busy” with work and family, but sadly I’m trapped in this bubble of mind. Eventually, I keep doing enjoying myself jumping from series to another, I could tell you in every month there will be a new series or movie that captivates me and give me this zinc to live, but I never, never made an art written project well written at least for the last ten years.

Then I decided to make a blog, like everyone else does, with the hope that, if I’m not going to write anyway in my WHOLE life, at least I have a legacy to write in- right? some kind of auto-opinion-biography that was collected. Maybe somehow I would tell my closest people to open my blog that I was discreetly writing in for the last year, and finally they-the closest- find another layer from me- closet open, no secret, spill the tea.

Or maybe I’m just going to write the suckiest thing ever written in history, and let’s see how it goes. Maybe it’s not really sucks, maybe it is, who knows? These had been unpredictable years to live as human being in crack up society.


Ready to write ?

A New Leap

Now that December had gone away, what left is this misty January with lots of plans ahead, and my head have gone mad today just for thinking all those plans and worries. Typical me. Turns out the bell rings for new year didn’t set up my brain as well.

Just take a deep breath and now that you are alive in this new year despite the hazardous year we had, we should be grateful for it.

If there is one thing we could learn from last year, enjoy the moments and don’t stress too much for the future because guess what, you might as well not know what is happening as well. But still, change your habit, since it’s the only thing that could give you a better hope for the future.

Now that I’m still studying my residency, I’m going to enjoy my moment of studying, I’m going to make reading my medical books as a habit, something that I would read before sleep on my ipad, browsing what gets me interested. Just like browsing for your next show to watch on netflix.

I might not be that good at studying, but somehow I learn myself how to learn. I like it when I could explain or give a knowledge for my peers, I feel like I’m proud and that’s my pride. I know it’s not a good motive, but what’s wrong with being a teacher to your friends? And during the stud process in order to memorize things, I think I should check in my memory first what’s in order for me. Now that I know how much I know about things, then I associate it with these new knowledges from my reading. Hope it works, fingercross.

Here’s to a new year. A new leap. A new habit. A new hope.

Look up

What’s my favourite christmas movie this year ?

I’ve got to say, Last Christmas starring Emilia Clarke.

It’s not a perfect or critics-acclaimed movie, but the movie actually talks about immigrants, self-caring, mental health, depression, back-from-self mess,homeless, shelters, artist- aspire, death, and not to mention a whole lot of christmas feeling.

I really like the word mentioned by Emilia during her stage performance, we’re so lucky to be alive. It really hits hard for this year’s eve with all the pandemic still going strong today.

And then Emilia said about this wonderful epiphany: We’re happy if we help others whether it is little or big. So there it is. You don’t have to feel self-loathe when you’re not this big person such a prime minister, or celebs on social media, or having the fanciest position in your job field, you basically doing your best job you could do to serve others and that’s pretty much satisfying.

And then the already-death/only-in-her-memories boyfriend always says, “look up” because he enjoys much for looking his surrounding instead checking up his phone. Talks about social dilemma that everyone already encountered. For me, the best way is turning off social chat or media notifications during holiday. So I checked the times I want to check it, instead always notified at the most irrelevant times. But the notion of “look up” works as a charm, I’m heading to my backyard and see this beautiful moon with clear midnight sky and I feel this contentment, that you might search anywhere around the corner of the world or other people that you met, that actually it is there on your own backyard (in my case my parents backyard, poor me), the contentment is actually in yourself.

So, merry chirstmas everyone, and my advise is don’t pick the middle part of the cake or the fish or any food, but this time try to pick the peripheral one, the one with the crust that nobody likes, so others could enjoy the middle part of those cake. Try to be happy with have a portion of slight bit discomfortness so people get a glimpse of a better one. We’ll be happy if our surrounding is happy. It is contagious ( and a little bit sensitive word during this pandemic..)

Till next damn season!

Photo by Oleg Magni on Pexels.com

Greetings at Eve’s

Now that everything is unveiled

That everyone is at the most best itself in the end of year, i hope

Now that everything is white

And all the madness was forgiven

And hope appears on the surface

All the movies are out there

All the stories spread widely

You just have to choose

For your own sake of remedy

I wish you a merry holiday. Cheers ! May healthy be with all of us.

Christmas Eve 2020, Pandemic still going on.

Short Holiday

Just had like a short holiday. I know, it’s against everything that we’re fighting for, and UK started to giving restrictions at Tier 4.

So what do I feel after the short holiday.

You know that excitement to go somewhere that actually vanished for this year? And that weariness that you felt during your trip going home ?

Well yeah it kinda felt like that. Not so much for excitement(I’ve been there before), but total fatigue after hours of trip. Sometimes I do miss for planes and going for other countries I haven’t visited yet. Hopefully next year.

But anyway, I am quite okay with spending times with my family, doing some little hiking, and enjoying the fog and rain on the mountain (my favourite). I just did not realised I am getting this old (on my thirty now crying) and did not have the same stamina as I was used to, but actually I know my body more, I know what time I should eat, medication I should take, time I should go to sleep, so it is practically more into not giving up your daily habits during your short holiday. And wear mask.

But what the holiday gives me is it gives me back those long gold rope that keeps me sane in my insanity way, that whispering sessions of you’re doing good and you deserves it, so just enjoy. I watched my niece playing running without purpose, just running and I was like, time had passed way too much.. it’s been such a long time I haven’t been a child that doing things just because.. you like it.

I don’t know, those wide field of grasses giving them the freedom to run..since like this early year we barely run, or go anywhere, so that’s like a revenge for them. And I was just, happy by only seeing it. And I felt like an old person already(d’oh).

Happy Holiday..and take care!

30 Rock

It’s a quiet night tonight after a whole long week of raining.

One thing I realized these past few days that last night I was staying at my friend’s place and I enjoyed the freedom of it. I think my biggest problem here is the fact that I’m still living with my parents, feeling trapped as their kid instead of being a free individual, while I’m on my residency which restrain me from financial freedom to rent my own place.

I know, sucks and I just have to suck in it.

Anyway, the perks of being 30 is you know that the older you are you want to express things instead just keeping it inside, you’d rather to tell what you;re thinking and feeling to others whoever that is instead of keeping it by yourself and eventually getting you crazy. Talking to others giving you an epiphany for yourself that the problem is actually solvable and not as hard as we think, and we left our burden to think its problem itself. I’ve been keeping it to myself for the last years, for the whole life probably and know I realized I’m probably doing it wrong. We are human that needs connection to each other and sharing vulnerable part of ourself is keeping us near instead of distance.


We don’t have much time

We don’t have much time .

We don’t have much time to give signs, to ask people read the signs, to let people guess what we want.

We don’t have much time to let things slipped by the flaws of communication resulting in pride and prejudice

We don’t have much time to let people take our lives, following what people thought good for us

We don’t have much time for not doing things that we wanted to do since a long ago with some justified reasons

Since life is,

Life is a series of unprecedented fate that occurs from periodic thoughts and habits.

And yet we’re just souls and characters trapped in body form.

So we don’t have that much time to not questioning ourself what we’re here into

You skipped a bit you skipped the whole

We don’t have much time

Where’s your exit parade,

we don’t have much time to balance our memories and our worries

Why don’t we pick one or two that matters to you

Because we don’t have much time,

yet here we are

claiming we own the time


It is still raining. Like a huge rain. Like I don’t know when it stops kinda rain.

This one time I realize.

I always this huge burden for myself that I, not allowing myself to enjoy life.

In fact..

In fact, I created this walls. These hard walls with others. With my parents. Friends. Lovers.

I am over proud with my walls that I don’t let people come in.

And I’m afraid, that I would be lonely.

I do have my family, but they’re blood related.

I hope there’s this person that be with me just because it is me.

It is not because I dream of a perfect wedding, or an ideal lover, or great children, the idea is just being more less lonely.

You know what the funny thing is? There are three old people living in this house. My father, my mother, and the other one is me. Yes I felt like a pathetic loser that live with my parents altough it is common in my place if you’re not married yet (damn excuse). I’m like these other old person who already past my primetime while actually i didn’t have yet having any primetime. My dreams were already occured in a movie, or book, or song. And I quite content. As like other old person lives, just trying to stay alive. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared. I live with this obligatory exception that my struggle is my inspiration for writing. A lame excuse noting that i actually nothing much than a blogger. But this is my only anchor for my ship, the piano for taylor swift, the wendy for peter pan. I live for nothing now. I’m surviving and that’s all. Or maybe this is just the artsy bits of worry for being thirty. I don’t know.. time felt so.. fast. and rain..doesn’t stop. Where do i go next ?

I need to go back…way back into myself.

Tis fiction never ends

This saturday morning includes binging Dash and Lily on netflix, grocery shopping, and sent some christmas presents to my neighbor. It’s a a tradition.

I would like to highlight about the overrated Dash and Lily. Some of my hearts love it- love it because it sets in New York and really show New York as its main character. Plus, New York during the christmas. With all the decorations. Perfect. The downside was- here we are, I just don’t like this typical story anymore. I mean, I used to like it, but now that I’m over my twenty something, I don’t bother with all these clues, first kiss, first clubbing, or those stuffs. Well, maybe this particular reminds me that I was never kissed (can you imagine how loser i am in this very age), or maybe because I didn’t have that amazing adventure of digging clue during my seventeen. But you know, some movie was not meant to be compared with ourselves. We will indirectly valued our life as a tragedy remembering we don’t have those much adventures. To be honest, I have my own shinanigans, or first love, or first rejection, or craziness, or brokenhearted, or a partner that never kissed me during those relationship time. I have my own story. I don’t need a validation from a tv show or a movie that my life sucks. Because it’s not. I don’t kiss because I have this principle religion. I’m sorry maybe it raised your eyebrow a little bit, but I prefer to do those things under holy matrimony. Marriage. I knew, I could cheat a little bit. It’s not a big deal. But I don’t need to have pressure that I kiss someone so I have a label of “my first kiss story”. And that’s what happened with Lily. She drank herself peppermint schnapp on christmas morning and decided to text a guy he hate during his junior high yet he kissed him so he get those experiences. Then Dash come and heartbroken. And guess what, few episodes away they’re fine and smuggling each other in The Strand during New Year’s Eve. I mean, I know the books would be wonderful, but I think there is too much of a fiction that we put into ourselves, creating our own boundaries for ourselves, putting a false standard that instead we’re degraded to not live to its fullest by some movies we watch. There are millions people outside your comfy zone, have their own story each, yet this is how enjoyed ourselves, by creating a rabbithole from false fiction and designated imagination.

Not that I hate fiction now. I mean, if I want to keep on writing eventually in order to making money you have to write a little fiction. Some opinions or self growth do sells, but only few bits. whats better than book-adapted into movie grossing title?

Maybe i’m just lack of sleep last night. And I’m grumpy and I watched fiction and I suddenly hate my life. Or maybe because now it’s raining again I became platonic to write. I love when it rains, again. It creates a solitude. It creates reason I didn’t have to come to a wedding. But now the wedding is outdoor, I just hope the rain doesn’t create a disaster. Or flood in any part of the country. That actually did already happened.

But with the spirit of festive and hope and believe, I wish tis season never ends.