It is still raining. Like a huge rain. Like I don’t know when it stops kinda rain.

This one time I realize.

I always this huge burden for myself that I, not allowing myself to enjoy life.

In fact..

In fact, I created this walls. These hard walls with others. With my parents. Friends. Lovers.

I am over proud with my walls that I don’t let people come in.

And I’m afraid, that I would be lonely.

I do have my family, but they’re blood related.

I hope there’s this person that be with me just because it is me.

It is not because I dream of a perfect wedding, or an ideal lover, or great children, the idea is just being more less lonely.

You know what the funny thing is? There are three old people living in this house. My father, my mother, and the other one is me. Yes I felt like a pathetic loser that live with my parents altough it is common in my place if you’re not married yet (damn excuse). I’m like these other old person who already past my primetime while actually i didn’t have yet having any primetime. My dreams were already occured in a movie, or book, or song. And I quite content. As like other old person lives, just trying to stay alive. Sad, isn’t it?

I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared. I live with this obligatory exception that my struggle is my inspiration for writing. A lame excuse noting that i actually nothing much than a blogger. But this is my only anchor for my ship, the piano for taylor swift, the wendy for peter pan. I live for nothing now. I’m surviving and that’s all. Or maybe this is just the artsy bits of worry for being thirty. I don’t know.. time felt so.. fast. and rain..doesn’t stop. Where do i go next ?

I need to go back…way back into myself.

Tis fiction never ends

This saturday morning includes binging Dash and Lily on netflix, grocery shopping, and sent some christmas presents to my neighbor. It’s a a tradition.

I would like to highlight about the overrated Dash and Lily. Some of my hearts love it- love it because it sets in New York and really show New York as its main character. Plus, New York during the christmas. With all the decorations. Perfect. The downside was- here we are, I just don’t like this typical story anymore. I mean, I used to like it, but now that I’m over my twenty something, I don’t bother with all these clues, first kiss, first clubbing, or those stuffs. Well, maybe this particular reminds me that I was never kissed (can you imagine how loser i am in this very age), or maybe because I didn’t have that amazing adventure of digging clue during my seventeen. But you know, some movie was not meant to be compared with ourselves. We will indirectly valued our life as a tragedy remembering we don’t have those much adventures. To be honest, I have my own shinanigans, or first love, or first rejection, or craziness, or brokenhearted, or a partner that never kissed me during those relationship time. I have my own story. I don’t need a validation from a tv show or a movie that my life sucks. Because it’s not. I don’t kiss because I have this principle religion. I’m sorry maybe it raised your eyebrow a little bit, but I prefer to do those things under holy matrimony. Marriage. I knew, I could cheat a little bit. It’s not a big deal. But I don’t need to have pressure that I kiss someone so I have a label of “my first kiss story”. And that’s what happened with Lily. She drank herself peppermint schnapp on christmas morning and decided to text a guy he hate during his junior high yet he kissed him so he get those experiences. Then Dash come and heartbroken. And guess what, few episodes away they’re fine and smuggling each other in The Strand during New Year’s Eve. I mean, I know the books would be wonderful, but I think there is too much of a fiction that we put into ourselves, creating our own boundaries for ourselves, putting a false standard that instead we’re degraded to not live to its fullest by some movies we watch. There are millions people outside your comfy zone, have their own story each, yet this is how enjoyed ourselves, by creating a rabbithole from false fiction and designated imagination.

Not that I hate fiction now. I mean, if I want to keep on writing eventually in order to making money you have to write a little fiction. Some opinions or self growth do sells, but only few bits. whats better than book-adapted into movie grossing title?

Maybe i’m just lack of sleep last night. And I’m grumpy and I watched fiction and I suddenly hate my life. Or maybe because now it’s raining again I became platonic to write. I love when it rains, again. It creates a solitude. It creates reason I didn’t have to come to a wedding. But now the wedding is outdoor, I just hope the rain doesn’t create a disaster. Or flood in any part of the country. That actually did already happened.

But with the spirit of festive and hope and believe, I wish tis season never ends.

before midnight

Before midnight

It starts to rain

Shouting to the big sky, echoing to myself

Am I safe, Am I sound?

For all these days that I’ve been putting myself into it

Before midnight

It is the perfect time to write

It is the best time now to re-light up my spark

That had been darkened for ages

It is the greatest time to be ..me

Before midnight

Before my special day ends, my birthday

Before the rain starts to stop

Before the magic is gone

I started to look back for what I’ve been feeling these past years

All those things, that I think I’ve felt things

I’m just a roller waiting the coaster

I’m just a kid looking up the sky

What’s next black sky, I asked

Am I safe, Am I sound?

Now that I’ve felt things with all those things

But I can’t keep up those feelings

Not even in a jar

Or in a heart that wanders

Now that I don’t feel anything

I lost my stars

Before midnight, I look up at the dark rained sky

Those rain drops fall, applausing, answering

You are safe,

and you are sound.

Written at my birth day, 2020

A Quiet Year

Imagine this. The world had gone crazy with these mysterious diseases that killed a huge amount of human-kind. People are shutting their doors off. Most business were closed. People are in strike. Politics gone madman. The economics were falling off. Sadly, it’s not 1918 where the spanish flu occured. It is today, the year 2020, where ironically the unusual suspects from this whole tantrum came from the gotham’s unsung heroes, the bats.

This year was supposed to be the futuristic year, the digital year. The year where everyone puts their vision. In my case, for the world of eye health, there is this Vision 2020 where the WHO campaigned initiative to decrease blindness in the year 2020, referencing the best vision a man could accept is 20/20. Well, sadly the world had a more important agenda to date, so it may hold a while.

But, again, life is irony, where this infection, that catch everyone’s attention, appears only as mild symptoms as a cold. A flu. Something that people are mostly underestimated with. It is not as dramatic as cancer or heart disease, where it is still the leading cause of death, but this infection is too fast that we could not comprehend the loss of those we loves.

In spite of the riot of this inevitable year, now what’s left for us? Surviving. Adaptation. We’re going back to the basic needs of human being. We eliminate these unneeded night-long parties, awkward conversations with group of friends we don’t really enjoy, social meeting with your peers that you don’t really have interested in. It forces you to ask yourself : what is the thing that I’ve wanted to do ? Maybe you could remember your childhood memories, or teenagers, what you’d enjoy doing, or creating, and why in the world you let those things off- maybe the world is cruel enough to force you to work, or maybe you fell for other things, but it is still there. The fuel was there, you just need to ignite it.

If you’re a workaholics and suddenly had many free times during this year, you would be enlightened that you told yourself ‘turns out I’m nothing without my work’. Well, that – or maybe you’re just plain wrong. Maybe you haven’t identified yourself with what you truly wanted to achieve and capable of. Maybe there’s hidden talent inside you that crave to be born, or reborn. And you don’t have to have a saying for that. If it’s not on the common choice below, such as cooking, writing, singing, playing instruments, exercising, talking, styling, gardening then still..go for it. It may doesn’t have a word yet, it may be something as weird as you think but it might eventually be what everyone’s need.

So,if this is that time again where the end of the year puts you in the corner and asks you, roughly, about what had you done for the last year, then the first answer is i’m still alive and the next thing is..imagine this, you become your ownself.


suddenly it pours

The rain, in the middle of the night

The natural alarm, waking me up

Not trying to noticing what time it is

Just let this be a night and not a designated time with numbers

suddenly it pours

My tears, with no particular reason

I had done all the bad things

But people thought i am nice

Am i lying to myself or the other way round

Im this animal trapped in a human body

suddenly it pours

My sorry, with no particular reason

Sorry for others but mostly for myself

For the last designated number of years

I had trapped you in this dream

I should’ve wake up but i won’t

I’ve been trying to sleep all these years

But suddenly it pour, my heart, keeping me awake

To at least redeem my flaws

To find this last beat of heart

That hold me tight when it rains

Wednesday, 9 th December 2020 07.00 AM

A Reflection

Hi. Me again. Listening to Exile now (I’m addicted to it) with the raining background. Next week I’m turning thirty, God.. I felt still so reckless and all the same like I was thirteen (note the movie reference, 13 going on 30). I was just trying to create a reflection essay before I’m turning older and it seems that I will have a long list.. so instead I break those one-by-one and bore you, what about I’m giving thought about what I will prefer be doing for the future.

First, I won’t give a damn with everything everytime every tiny bit, because you know what..I’m just tired ! The fact that I realize that I became sensitive through the days and it made me realising I become who I don’t want to become. Old unloved and not-loving-anything at the moment who express emotions at any single thing. I don’t need to have excuses for everything and I shouldn’t. Most of the time all those tiny things will eventually have a solution by itself and voila you don’t need to intervene. You just have to let things go and enjoy things that delights you.

Second, I have these damn clouds following me everywhere every second every day that I’m this a born-to-be star and you know what? I’m not. Sorry to break the bad news but you’re not even close to being an actor, or a writer, or a singer, or a director, or a producer, or an award wining of any artistic components because you know what? I don’t even produce art. Things that I have personally written for the last year is just this blog and it’s crap, to be honest. I don’t even write anything, or at least part of writing anything and you expect a big massive name written on a cover of a book. That’s probably just me and other millions millenials human being. We enjoy lots of movies, songs, books and pretend to be one of them, meanwhile we’re just a customer who criticize and creating art is not easy. Creating art that is likeable to other people based on your personal taste is not easy at all. And creating art while you’re busy doing your life on the thin line juggling waiting to fall is other thing as well.

And all these times, thinking that I’m actually great but I don’t reach the full potential, is just a cloud in my brain holding tightly. I’m not even focusing at my moment for the last ..thirty years? I mean, I pray diligently at punctual time but my mind is wandering. I study diligently but my mind is wandering (tomorrow I have an exam and yet I’m writing this). And I’m thinking I’m born as a writer? Laughing nervously. Every profession needs to be trained even the slightest artistic bit. You can’t take things not seriously and expected amazing things occured.

Meanwhile, what has grown into me is that my mindset had been corrupted since the age of eleven..or something. I had this terrible worriness, fear, not knowing what to do, what I want, not even enjoying any hobby, trapped in my own mind, imagining things, spending million times of creating my own show, or performance, or ideas at night, but never put it in canvas, because guess what..that was all just my defense of mechanism for taking the real world that I’m not that guy, or having those thing, or creating those stories.

I’m fucked. But now I’m trying to exhale a lot much, trying to not let emotions get into me, trying to act like I’m surrender with all these thought in me and just flowing with wherever the world want me to goes, like autumn leaves falling in the water of the river in the forest.But it doesn’t mean that I’m not making any decisions. Wherever there are two side of the river I have to pick side anyway. It’s just I’m going to make a decision once I found those both side of the river and pick one by gut feeling.. I guess. It is tiring to just thinking about which side of the river I need to pick way before there’s even a lookout of those sideways.

So I understand my one and root of the problem. Before I turn thirty and became a forest for my own(reference to love and anarchy). I need to put my heart, body, brain, mouth, eyes, feel into what I’m doing now. I don’t want listening to music without understand the lyrics. I don’t want to study something without understand the basic reasons those knowledge exists. I don’t want to be exist around people just to make everyone feel that I’m just..there.

You know what? In every periode of my life, there are always some familiarities, those typical friends, that undescending love story, that recurring problems, that parent, that one or two great music, that one movie that give me enlightment, that book that give me that yes-it’s-me moment. It is recurring. Life. We’re just not realising much. Or like Bon Iver said,

i think i’ve seen this film before.

December 6th 2020 19:46


It’s been a while. A long while.

Last time I wrote was pretty much during the summer, and time flies. Here I am, in the middle of sunday afternoon observing the beautiful rain. It was not pouring hard neither to shallow. Just the perfect rain. And where were we?

Of course, the world still in the midst of pandemic. But there’s a light. Vaccines was in the process and anytime soon we are in line for the shot. I mean, can you imagine we are the movie itself? It’s unbelievable that we manage to hold up until this very second, and truth is, it is better than any fiction ever been.

And how about myself? If, anyone is wondering. I am on my third year. Nothing much. The feeling was there. You know what it is, if you’ re following my blog from the very first. I read a lot of books now. Thanks to the amazing iPad and free ebook that I could snatch. And not only books, but the books that I’ve been searching for. The books where every line (well, almost every line) gives a point in my life that said ‘it’s true, i’ve been there’.

And what about age? What about age, the fact that it doesn’t really count as a cue for adultness, nor reminder of a life-is-a-competition where you see all your friends are growing with their loved ones and careers.

Yet here I am, physically the same, yet somehow I felt the bigger power in me, which still contains a lot of fear, but there’s this litte thing, called hope. Hope that I could still manage my career, hope that I could still earn an honest love and loving someone, hope that I could write for the rest of my life, hope that I could disembark my own worry.

I could ditch fiction. I know that it’s not controlling me anymore, but I watch fiction such as netflix or tv shows to give me the inspiration.

But yet I’m living my own fiction.

Me and My Ramadan (Special Pandemic Edition) :Back to Basics

Hello, as some of you know that I’m a moslem and todays starts the month that is very ritual for me, which is Ramadan. It is the month where all moslems in the world fasting (and breakfasting at the end of the day) for almost a month before we reach the Eid. This month is very important for us, and for me as well, because it is like a holy month where our supplications are answered, our deeds are multiplied, and so on. It’s like the holiday sale season for a fashion lover. And I don’t want to miss it just like another month. I want to increase my faith hopefully, despite all the pandemic situations going on, I hope it doesn’t bother at all and in fact it could give me some opportunities in focusing the pray!

So what I want to achieve in this Ramadan is back to basic. I want to get back for where I belong, as a humble individual created by God and thus we have to be grateful for it. And we worship God, it is actually mere for our benefits as well. Mindfulness in Islam is called Murakabah, and it includes meditation, supplication, dzikr, and Koran recital. So far in comprehensing about mindfulness I would add breathing technique, a noting that mind is always wander, an intention to be present, but now that I combine it with religion based knowledge, that’s not all. In order to relieve our stress and anxiety we have to have someone that is powerful enough as our protector and who else if it’s not..God? The supplications (prayers), dzikrs, and Koran recital is a way of reminder that all things happened is by permission of God. So let’s say if you’re afraid of getting fired you will try to be closer to your boss, stole his heart so you could be keep as an employee, well that’s pretty much what we should do with God.. in a more divine way. We praise God, we acknowledge our past mistakes and weakness as a human, then now that God pays attention to us, we ask God anything and have faith that it will be answered in the best way possible. Yes, the best way possible, because sometimes what we ask for is not always good for us, but God knows best.

Now that is time for us to get back to basics, I mean, all this pandemic going on, what is something that could we learn from all of this? That we as humanity has crashed in so many ways. I am not being too religious or anything but what your faith you had right now, you must ever heard about the pandemic in stories of the Prophets, right? Isn’t it God’s ways to give a direct reminder that some communities just did not play with God’s rule, and God wants to weep out the communities. That is, it is our time to think that there must be reasons why these conditions occurred. It is a reminder, so let’s back to the start. Let’s say we want to correct our previous mistakes, one step at a time, and fill it with the good deeds. It is the best time. So I might not be around routinely in my blog for the next month, but I am gonna check it once a while, but wherever you are in any part of the world, I wish you for a great safety and mindful health!

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