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Hey Dad,

Today was quite a special day. I resigned from my office today. It was a mixed feeling. They gave me cake. It was a long and tedious journey to decide whether I should take another offer since a year ago and I was hesitant at first and until this very moment I am still, a little insecure whether I made the right decision. I remember your advice a year ago. You prefer this future office than my current office. I knew it was right sincenyou gave the reason, my current office is a small world, I am going to be bored and there will be uncomfortable frictions with my coworker once it happened, because we met in the small room every single day. But it gave a lot of money. And that’s pretty much that the reason we’re working, right? I could be right and wrong perhaps. This future office, didn’t offer a lot of money. Very little to be honest. No monthly salary and just service fee. And sometimes I wonder I am such an idiot to made this decision. But it is academic office and I think it suits me better. It also has the chance to improve my writing. And dad, you gave me a small bit of confidence to step into the unknown, now that you’re gone. I missed your talking, your advice, and how you shaped me now. You gave me a meaning for instinct reasoning rather than a logic decision. It is your office, although we had different specialty zone, but I kinda followed your path. So I think thats the big reason that overshadow the fact that it has zero monthly salary. Beside, I also work in other office in afternoon and one other passive income for my primary needs. I hope it works well. I don’t know. Sometimes I just wish I could talk with you, ask your advice, just one more time and for that I will gave my all. I hope you found peace in your waiting Dad. You always in my prayer.

Your always gonna be youngest son.

Hello. It never ceased to amaze me that it’s been exactly a year after my last blog post, and there is this tingly spider feeling on my mind that I should rewrite again. However, a lot had happened on my life within a year, I should made a single post for those, but for now, I just want to update that habit I want to try last year? Well, not exactly happening. However, I gained a lot of new insights during handling my struggle this past year. And other good things had happened as well. For instance, this is me writing on my new iPad. I just so happened read an amazing article with the notion of to handle anxiety, which I and lots of other people suffered as well lately, is to create. Yes, create. And I think the easiest way to create is to write. A thought. A breakthrough. A feeling nuance that could be broken into words and understanding ourselves better, and a little possibility to give insights for some others too. So here I am, still and always, give it another year. Cheers.

Have you ever had all these ideas of new routine in your head to be constantly done in reality instead wandering in your mind? But there are like, so many, and you have to choose a few so that you could manage it well, to create it as a habit. And you have to be very specific. I would really like to run, read, study, and write. But that would not happen as a habit if I don’t give a specific time of year. So, for me, i would choose for running every morning in the weekend, one book each week, a study session one hour each day in a weekday at my office after lunch hour in my office desk. IS that too.. ambitious? Sometimes I’m just tired with my ambitious-self, but I think it’s the lazy-part of myself that did not allow this useful habit. Well, to make it less ambitious, I give it a year. Let’s see what happened, let’s see what’s workin’ out and what’s not. So, is there any thoughts of new habits that you want to do, but did not quite there yet? Just say, I give it a year. No worries.

It’s been a while. A long while.

Last time I wrote was pretty much during the summer, and time flies. Here I am, in the middle of sunday afternoon observing the beautiful rain. It was not pouring hard neither to shallow. Just the perfect rain. And where were we?

Of course, the world still in the midst of pandemic. But there’s a light. Vaccines was in the process and anytime soon we are in line for the shot. I mean, can you imagine we are the movie itself? It’s unbelievable that we manage to hold up until this very second, and truth is, it is better than any fiction ever been.

And how about myself? If, anyone is wondering. I am on my third year. Nothing much. The feeling was there. You know what it is, if you’ re following my blog from the very first. I read a lot of books now. Thanks to the amazing iPad and free ebook that I could snatch. And not only books, but the books that I’ve been searching for. The books where every line (well, almost every line) gives a point in my life that said ‘it’s true, i’ve been there’.

And what about age? What about age, the fact that it doesn’t really count as a cue for adultness, nor reminder of a life-is-a-competition where you see all your friends are growing with their loved ones and careers.

Yet here I am, physically the same, yet somehow I felt the bigger power in me, which still contains a lot of fear, but there’s this litte thing, called hope. Hope that I could still manage my career, hope that I could still earn an honest love and loving someone, hope that I could write for the rest of my life, hope that I could disembark my own worry.

I could ditch fiction. I know that it’s not controlling me anymore, but I watch fiction such as netflix or tv shows to give me the inspiration.

But yet I’m living my own fiction.

I’m in doubt. Again.

Is this the right path for me?

Am I dong it right ?

I was currently on a webinar about cataract surgery and I just don’t really interested in it. I don’t know, I like all the other parts of my field, including the surgery. But this particular surgery did not lift me up. Maybe it’s connected with my previous history that during my cataract practice and evaluation that I’m not good enough, and I keep blaming my visualisation during microsurgery, and I could blame myself that I probably did not practice hard enough, or maybe because I don’t find a good coach or teacher to teach me. It probably due to lots of factors. I do not want to lose hope, all my friends and family supports me, but somehow there is always this doubt that creeps me in about my future career.

I know that there are lots of other choices of subspecialties that I could took, maybe I’m just not into the cataract part, and that’s pretty much okay- but realising that most of your patients will be a cataract surgery, what can I do? I need to master it, at least I need to be able to do the surgery. I’m in my third year and I haven’t done my own cataract surgery yet from start to finish. It’s crippling me.

There are lots of choices of specialty that I could work of, such as non surgical field which requires lots of thinking ( and I am a huge thinker and observer), but here I am..doing this field. Not knowing what to do or expect. One of my senior told me that we can’t do everything, but I remember one of my best friend said we can do everything. There’s a lot of counterintuitive in my thought, that’s why I’m scared of myself. These doubts won’t keep me going. At the most part it hits me, make me panicked and told to my parents and we had a fight. I told my friends and they’re bored with my story, with why not quit then, but well – you can’t just quit, especially in my third year. I asked some of a good mindfulness guru I knew from youtube and he advise me to keep going.

But these doubts.. this little self-manipulating that hits me sometimes. I wonder, is it just me- or maybe is it true that I’m not that capable of handling this microsurgery things?

If you have some advice, please do comment. I will take your comments gracefully.

Hello..it’s been a while. I’ve been studying for the last couple days for a try-out exam. It was a prep exam for the later graduation exam on my medical residency. So, thankfully I got the number one spot for the score..it’s weird since I thought the questions was quite difficult and I think I could do better. The reason was because there were some materials that I had been studying but I forgot about it. So at that time I try to figure out my way of thinking and thought there must be some way to be more effective in studying. So here it goes :

1. Aware about how your mind-habit think

Let me clear about it. If you study about let’s say, X syndrome, what was the first thing that comes up in your mind? In the most definite way, that first word will most likely to be coming up on your brain while you catch the word during your exam. It doesn’t have to be scientific or related, it could be some silly keywords as well. Now since you get your mind-keyword, you could try to develop it from there. Making a new connection in your brain for some new knowledge is difficult, so keep it simple and silly. If X syndrome give you an imagination of Professor X in the movie X-Men so let be all the symptoms of the syndrome be pictured in you imagination of “Professor X”. You might start from there to create a “Mind-Keyword”. By putting a mind-keyword, you let your right brain to have fun as well while you’re studying.

2. Create a supporting environment to study

For me, I finally know that it works for me while listening to some background music. And remember, it have to be background music- not some music with lyrics or your favourite song. A Cafe music, Jazz, or Piano will do. It will help your distraction part of your brain get “distracted ” and let your “focus part” be focus. Let’s say in studying you need something that is comforting to balance your mind, and the music helps. But it might not work for some others, so find your supporting environment. For me, whether it’s better to do it in my room since I have no moving distraction rather than in Cafe, but sometimes being in Cafe is helping since you must done your task and feel “seen” by others so you must finish your work or study.

3. Be Active

This is very important. Be active in curiosity. Asks yourself about what you’re studying. Review with talking to yourself about what you just had to study. If you study with your friends, actively explaining to others to check whether you had remember and understand it. And this is the most important part :

How to make sure that I am going to remember this ?

Make sure to be able to answer the question after you study a material. Use your imagination with creating some acronyms, or word play, or some personal references. It helps you to unlock the key about the material that you had stored in your brain. Sometimes you’re going to forget your way of understanding the material, but a right-brain word play gems will do, the crazier it gets the better you will remember it.

4. Release the knowledge

Sometimes you spend too much time in storing the materials in your brain, but you did not have enough time to review and release your knowledge. By doing this part you will know which gap or hole in your memory that was not lost or not yet connected. If you find something that you did not forget, it usually means it’s not memorable enough for you, so back to the point number 3 and 1, make sure that you remember it by your own keyword.

I just finished watching a movie called The Prophet. It was a 2009 movie and won Cannes. It was very good, I haven’t watched a movie this good in a while..I honestly think that it spots on my number 1 favourite movie ever, beating Manchester by the Sea. Tahar Rahim was phenomenal. It had everything in the movie: from thriller, sad nuance, acting, background, music, Islam, French.

Anyway I just keep can’t survive my self from blocked during my interactions with parents, as if I’m trying to contradict everything that they want. I’m just self-pity myself, I got a lot from them, but how could I dissed them? This is not being grateful. I have to keep myself remind my keyword from last topic : Abundance.

It’s better I’m being quiet and locked myself in my room, confined to a room and wondering when I will released from this intimate prison that I create myself, which is my home since the very beginning. It’s like I never move from here. See? I’m dong it again. Abundance.

But I personally think that I’m still on the verge of letting myself go from my parents. It’s like I did not have a freedom. But to think more, I use the keyword Entitled and it clicked. I feel entitled. I did not deserve all of this luxury in my home considering the treatment I gave to the owner of the house. I should be easier with things.

That brings me to my newly number 1 spot movie of all time : The Prophet. Let me think again one time I’m manipulating myself with the question I don’t have the freedom. Be in a real prison like in the movie. You might want to think again. I have a lot to be grateful. Sometimes you just forgot, just like the character Malik in the movie, he was given immunity by his boss but then he got greedy and later in the movie he became conflicted with the other gangs. The part that brings difficulties : Forgot. Forget to be grateful. Forget to act well. Forget that we are all tested in here. It’s just temporary.

But back to the reason why I put this movie to be my number one. It is most definite representing my life: the oppressed for being in prison with my mind. The dream of being free. I also like the excitement of when Malik first went for a plane ride. Or when he enjoys the sound of outer world when he first came out from jail. Or when he felt guilty for killing the guy at the first time and it all coming back to him, in an unthoughtful way. Or when he follows his dream and noticed a signal from God, like a danger sign, that eventually became the title of this movie.

It is filled with the struggle that a man needs to understand life.